Widow Sues Monson for Harassment

A Salt Lake City woman filed a civil suit against LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson for harassment. Martha Anderson, 72, complained in papers filed in Municipal Court, that Monson has engaged in a pattern of stalking and harassment over the last two years.

“I had just moved into the neighborhood,” Anderson recounts, “and word must have gotten out that I’m a recent widow. One day a portly, elderly man appeared on my doorstep and told me he’d noticed my parakeets. Now, mind you, my parakeets are in a room facing the back yard, so immediately I wondered how this man knew about the parakeets? Had he been watching me? For how long?”

Monson, the suit alleges, offered to care for the parakeets upon Mrs. Anderson’s death. “I’ve been in the neighborhood two days, and he starts speaking ominously about my impending death. What was I supposed to make of that?” she said, shuddering slightly at the thought. “I told him to get off my property, or I’d call the police.”

Anderson thought that would be the end of it, but it was just the beginning. “I’d come home from work, and he’d be mowing my lawn or bringing me flowers. Once he brought about 25 kids over to paint the house. They didn’t ask, and they did a crappy job. And I hate blue.”

“Then I started getting phone calls from people who had heard Mr. Monson bragging about his service to me from the pulpit. He didn’t even get my name right: It’s Martha, not Marian.”

Eventually, a frustrated Mrs. Anderson phoned church headquarters to complain about the harassment. “The secretaries just gushed about his kindly service and said I should feel really blessed to have attracted his attention. No one took me seriously until I got a restraining order.”

Despite the restraining order, the harassment continued: “Cookies and casseroles kept coming. He replanted my flower beds three times. He even went after my grandson. Brandon was pretty shaken up by the experience. He said that this creepy man had jumped out from behind my apple tree and tried to shove a train set into his hands. He told me he thought he was being abducted.”

Salt Lake City police refused to enforce the restraining order. “Why would anyone refuse the personal ministry of a prophet of God?” asked an incredulous Sergeant Bob Jensen. “She should feel honored.”

Monson’s office issued a terse statement: “President Monson is widely known to have maintained a quiet personal ministry to the sick, the afflicted, and the widowed. We are saddened that anyone might take offense at his unselfish and Christlike service.”

As she filed the suit this morning, Mrs. Anderson was firm and unapologetic. “I had hoped it wouldn’t go this far, but someone has to put a stop to it. Think of all the defenseless widows who have suffered in silence from this insidious stalking. It’s time to break the cycle.”

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10 Responses to Widow Sues Monson for Harassment

  1. Jay says:

    I don’t quite understand your reason for posting this. Is it supposed to be funny?

  2. runtu says:

    I was going for mean-spirited, but I’ll take funny. :)

  3. llbean says:

    fake?

  4. Mina says:

    Wow…I’m shocked people don’t understand humor and satire. ESPECIALLY ON APRIL FIRST!!!

    Brilliant as always, runtu.

    I’ve never used wordpress; is there some tagging engine that is drawing random believers to your blog?

  5. runtu says:

    I’ve tagged it as Mormon, so it does attract believers and unbelievers alike. I think having the believers here makes it more interesting.

  6. Mina says:

    You’re much nicer, or patient, than I am.

  7. ditchu says:

    Portly? That must be a different man? oh well, guess it’s all in the name.
    (not funny) also a bit childish, picking on someone who cannot pick back.

  8. ditchu says:

    Why do the Fools come out of the woodwork to blog on april 1st?

  9. runtu says:

    Good heavens. You think I’m picking on Monson?

  10. kimberly Ann says:

    Hilarious, Runtu!

    You’re more patient than I am, too. I’d ditch(u) the TBM’s from my blog!

    KA

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