We lived in Orem, Utah, for a few years, and there was a nursing home just down the street from our house. One very elderly man from Mississippi moved his wife into the nursing home and then rented a room from our neighbors so he could be close to her. The first Fast Sunday after he moved in, he ambled up to the podium and said something like this:
“Back when I was a boy in Mississippi, there was a crazy girl in our town who never said nothing but ‘SCISSORS!’ all the time. It drove everyone to distraction. Whenever you saw her, she’d come right up to you and say ‘SCISSORS!’”
“One day one of the men in town told her he’d had enough. He said, ‘If you say scissors one more time, we’re going to throw you in the river.”
“She just looked at him and said, ‘SCISSORS!’”
“So, several of the boys grabbed her and carried her down to the river and threw her in. She went under, and when she came up, she yelled, ‘SCISSORS!’”
“Then she went under a second time, and when she came up, she yelled, ‘SCISSORS!’”
“The third time, only her hand came up out of the water, and she did this.”
He raised his hand over his head and with two fingers, made a scissoring motion.
“Then she went down again and was never seen again. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
My wife and I were hiding behind the pews dying of laughter.