Cain: The first murderer, and progenitor of a race of those cursed with black skin and prohibited from holding the priesthood (see Canaanites). Also known as Master Mahan. A modern apostle described meeting Cain as follows: “He walked along beside me for about two miles. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark.” This account was confirmed by prophet Spencer W. Kimball in his book The Miracle of Forgiveness, which gave rise to speculation that Cain is Bigfoot.
Calling: Any formal assignment from a church leader. Considered to be inspired of God, whether or not you were the first choice or the bishop actually gave it more of a moment’s thought. May often be used as a means of keeping people at their meetings: for example, a less-active member might be asked to hand out programs or ring the bell between meetings. This is effective only if the less-active member is afraid to say no.
Calling and Election Made Sure: To have one’s exaltation in the highest kingdom of heaven sealed irrevocably, meaning that you now have a green light to commit any sin you wish, and it’s covered; you’re still going to the celestial kingdom. Generally, to have one’s CAEMS, one must be invited to a special temple ordinance referred to as the second anointing or second endowment. These ordinances used to be fairly commonplace, but in recent times they have been reserved only for multibillionaires, select General Authorities, and a software developer from Cedar City whose hobby is Book of Abraham apologetics.
Calvary: The place where Jesus was crucified. Erroneously believed by other Christians to be where Jesus took upon Himself the sins of the world, whereas it was just the encore after the main even in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Canaanite: Person of African descent cursed with dark skin (see Moses 7:8). Not to be confused with the alleged dwellers of the land of Canaan.
Carnal: Usually refers to sexual intercourse, but when Melissa Lott Willes affirmed that she had “carnal relations” with Joseph Smith, she meant in the sense of “chaste and platonic friendship.”
Carthage Jail: The place where Joseph Smith willingly gave his life after he ran out of bullets and the Masonic Distress sign failed.
Celestial Kingdom: The highest level of heaven where the righteous dwell on “a globe a globe like a sea of glass and fire” (D&C 130:7) in the presence of God. Only heterosexual couples married in LDS temples will be admitted; since 1978, it is open to black people, and they don’t even have to be servants.
Celibacy: An abominable practice of apostate Christianity, almost as evil as masturbation.
Chaldea: The land south and east of Babylon. Also named by Abraham centuries before it existed.
Chapel Mormons: Mormons who believe in the traditional, orthodox teachings of prophets, seers, and revelators; also, those who do not have access to the Internet. These people are often mocked and dismissed as “lazy and intransigent” for following the counsel to read only church-approval materials.
Chariot: A wheel-less platform or litter bearing the king and miniature ceremonial animals. Not an anachronism in the Book of Mormon.
Charity: The pure love of Christ, the highest form of love possible. Needless to say, homosexuals cannot feel this kind of love.
Chastity: Abstinence from sexual activities before marriage and complete sexual fidelity in marriage. (Note: Does not apply if your name is Joseph Smith.)
Child of God: The enlightened teaching that humans are descendants of God who, if they don’t have faith and obey, will be sent to a lower kingdom forever.
Choice: A pernicious euphemism for abortion.
Choir: Another opportunity to spend quality time in the chapel on Sunday.
Chosen: The humbling notion that you have been saved and selected to be born Caucasian, Mormon, and American.
Christ: The only person who ever lived who was better than Joseph Smith.
Christians: Worldly apostates who have corrupted the word of God (usually prefaced with “so-called”). When in public, Mormons use this word to show that they are just like every other church.
Church: The formal organization of believers directed by the priesthood by revelation from God, as well as the religious subsidiary of a multinational corporation.
Church Administration Building: An ornately decorated building south of the Church Office Building that houses the offices of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve. Off-limits to lesser church members and COB employees.
Church Education System: An organization composed of poorly paid men who teach the gospel in a manner appropriate to teenagers and college students. Used primarily as a means for single members to meet people of the opposite sex.
Church Growth: Throughout its history, the LDS church has experienced dramatic increases in the number of less-active members counted in its records.
Church of Christ: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1830.
Church of God: The formal name of the LDS church in the early 1830s.
Church of the Latter Day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1834.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1838. Apparently, God finally found a name He liked.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church after correcting God’s faulty grammar.
Church Office Building: A deteriorating 28-story building in downtown Salt Lake City east of the temple. Known primarily for its lavish Christmas banquets and the 26th-floor observation deck, this building also produces most of the publications and policies issued by the church.
Church, Signs of the True: Sound and unchangeable doctrine, such as the eternal truth that there are two–I mean, three members of the Godhead. Continuing revelation, especially when it is needed to contradict an earlier revelation. Moral absolutes, unless God gives you “special revelation” (hat tip to Nancy Rigdon). The same organization as the primitive church, which Jesus organized as “a corporation sole … under and pursuant to Section 18-7-5 R.S.U. 1933.”
Church and State: An important Constitutional principle keeping the government and religious organizations separate. In Utah, this separation is maintained by having legislators meet with LDS church officials before each legislative session; in this way, legislators can establish priorities and positions independently.
Circumcision: The ritual removal of the male foreskin as a sign of the Abrahamic Covenant. Supplanted in the modern church by the wearing of white shirts and ties, cap sleeves, and CTR rings.
City Creek Center: A large, multibillion-dollar complex in downtown Salt Lake City that includes retail shopping and residential areas. Constructed to follow Jesus’ instruction to the Twelve: “Go ye therefore and build a house wherein in my disciples may buy their jewelry and eat cheesecake.”
Civil Rights: An important principle ensuring the equal protection and rights of all citizens, except for women and gays.
Civil Rights Movement: An organized conspiracy led by Communists to overthrow the natural social and racial order. According to church leader Delbert Stapley, support for the Civil Rights movement would result in punishment up to death: “When I … remember what happened to three our nation’s presidents who were very active in the Negro cause, I am sobered by their demise.”
Civil War Prophecy (See Doctrine and Covenants 87): During the Nullification Crisis in 1832, when the state of South Carolina was arming itself and organizing an army of thousands of well-armed men, Joseph Smith made the remarkable prophecy that a war would start in South Carolina that would involve the Northern and Southern States, Great Britain, other nations, until “war shall be poured out upon all nations” and would bring natural disasters, death, and destruction ”until the consumption decreed hath made a full end of all nations.” As prophesied, the Civil War did begin in South Carolina, and faithful Latter-day Saints look forward to the coming calamities when they will “be avenged of their enemies.”
Clergy: Scripture is consistent in decrying “priestcraft,” or the preaching of the word of God for money. Consequently, the LDS church has a volunteer, lay clergy, meaning that no church leaders are paid for their services, except for the First Presidency, the Quorum of the Twelve, the Quorums of Seventy, and mission presidents.
Closing Hymn: The moment at which church members wake up or stop thinking about porn in joyful anticipation of the end of sacrament meeting.
Clothing: Obsession with one’s clothing is derided in the New Testament and Book of Mormon and is emphasized in the modern church.
Coffee: A gateway drug to tea and other vile substances.
College: A place where cherished beliefs and traditions are ridiculed by the learned.
Columbus: A man who was wrought upon by the Spirit of God to sail to the West Indies and exact tribute from the natives at the penalty of torture and death.
Combinations: Shadowy organizations bound together by secret oaths and handshakes; completely unrelated to temple worship.
Commandments: All policies and procedures of the LDS church, including those items given”not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom,” except those involving eating mostly grains and vegetables and limiting consumption of meat.
Common Consent: The privilege of raising your hand to sustain the leadership of the church. Such consent is completely voluntary, though any vote in the negative may result in a visit with church security and/or a disciplinary council.
Conference Report: A published transcription of each LDS general conference. Most Mormons are unaware of the report’s existence, as they receive edited conference talks in the church magazines.
Conference: A large gathering of church members assembled to hear platitudes given through a teleprompter.
Confession: Admitting to God that you have sinned, a necessary step for repentance and forgiveness. In more serious cases, this involves talking to your bishop, and he’s going to want to hear all the details.
Confidential Records: The LDS church has a solemn responsibility to keep records confidential, including from its own members.
Confirmation: The reception of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands after one is baptized. Just remember that one lustful thought can drive the Holy Ghost away forever.
Conscience: The Light of Christ, which is given to all humans to help them discern right from wrong. The greatest test of this life is to conquer the conscience and submit to complete obedience to whatever God asks through His prophets, especially if you’re a teenaged girl in a locked office with Joseph Smith.
Consecration: Willingness to give all that you have for the building up of the kingdom of God. In earlier days, this meant renouncing private property and holding all things in common, but this sounded too much like communism, so the church adopted laissez-faire capitalism as its standard.
Constitution: A divinely inspired document given to humans to usher in the last dispensation. The Constitution is to be held in strict reverence, except for the embarrassing parts about slavery and so forth.
Contention: Any unhappy, unholy, or non-faith-promoting thoughts, which are of the devil. Such thoughts may include doubt, reason, and conscience.
Continuing Revelation: What happens when the church needs to erase an embarrassing doctrine or practice. It helps in maintaining plausible deniability: “That’s not true. We do not have penalties in the temple.”
Conversion: What happens when someone joins the LDS church, whether they know it or not.
Coriantumr: The sole survivor of the Jaredites, a people of whom there is no trace. He lived long enough to warn the Nephites, another people of whom there is no trace.
Corn: A major crop of the Americas that was unknown to the Nephites and Jaredites.
Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church since 1917.
Correlation: A program started in 1971 to systematically strip Mormonism of its unique character and doctrines. In conjunction with the consolidated budget program, Correlation has succeeded in its primary goal: turning every LDS church activity into a sacrament meeting.
Council in Heaven: The time in the premortal life when God presented His plan of happiness to His children, which was that we would be sent to earth to see if we would follow God’s commandments, but only after we were made to forget everything we knew about God and His commandments. This plan sounded great to Jesus, who volunteered to be our Savior, and two-thirds of the hosts of heaven. The other third figured it was a losing proposition and went with Satan’s plan, which involved coercion and force, two elements that are completely absent in the modern church.
Council of Fifty: Formally named “The Kingdom of God and His Law, with the Keys and power thereof, and judgment in the hands of his servants, Ahman Christ” in an 1842 revelation, the council was to become the governing body of the entire world. As part of this organization, Joseph Smith was ordained King and Priest. He later prophesied that his as-yet-unborn son, David, would take his place as a latter-day David and be the King over Israel. David Smith eventually had a psychotic break and was committed to an insane asylum.
Council of the Twelve: A group of high-level bureaucrats who hold meetings dressed in Masonic robes weekly and travel the world as “special witnesses of Jesus Christ” (disclaimer: this does not imply any witness, special or otherwise, and cannot be construed as a binding legal statement). Twice a year they gather in Salt Lake City and give talks about little factories and exploding printing presses. Above all else, they must not be criticized, even if the criticism is true. According to an insider, they are not “dodos.”
Counsel: See Commandments.
Courage: The strength to follow instructions without question.
Covenant: Making a solemn promise to God when you’re too young or have missed the opportunity to raise your hand and walk out.
Cowdery, Oliver: Acted as scribe when Joseph Smith didn’t use the plates to translate the Book of Mormon. Told the absolute truth when he said that an angel showed him the plates, but lied viciously when he said Joseph Smith had an affair with Fanny Alger. Accused by Joseph Smith of counterfeiting, theft, and associating “with a gang of counterfeiters, thieves, liars, and blacklegs of the deepest dye, to deceive, cheat, and defraud the saints out of their property,” Oliver is revered as a faithful witness to the restoration of the gospel.
Creation: The process by which Jesus formed and organized the earth and the universe, assisted by Adam. Modern apologists declare with boldness that prophets, seers, and revelators have been consistently wrong about the processes and timeline of the creation.
Creed: A statement of the beliefs of a religious community, creeds are an abomination in the sight of the Lord. While the Articles of Faith are a statement of LDS beliefs, they are not a creed, because that would make them an abomination.
Cremation: Church leaders have consistently taught that church members should not be cremated, so as to preserve the essential parts of the body for the resurrection. This preservation occurs only when the body is allowed to decay and become absorbed into the earth; clearly, cremation does not allow for this orderly return to the dust of the earth.
Cross: A morbid reminder of Jesus’ death that no true Christian should be associated with.
Crucifixion: The anticlimactic end of the Atonement of Christ.
Cult: According to the Encyclopedia of Mormonism, the word “refers to a minority religion that is regarded as unorthodox or spurious and that requires great or even excessive devotion.” As none of these things applies to Mormonism, it cannot be said to be a cult.
Cumorah: 1) The hill where the Book of Mormon plates were buried in upstate New York. 2) The hill where the Book of Mormon plates were buried in Central America.
CTR Ring: Until one wears garments, this is the outward reminder of one’s covenants with God. Available in many styles and precious metals at your local Deseret Book.
Cultural Hall: A gym used for basketball games, ward potluck dinners, and overflow from sacrament meeting. Bring your own culture.
Cumom: See Curelom.
Curelom: See Cumom.
Curse: Dark skin.