Fearless Predictions for LDS General Conference

10. Richard G. Scott will stare soulfully into the camera and plead with you to do (or stop doing) something.

9. During choir numbers, the cameras will focus on minority choir members in an attempt to show diversity.

8. Someone will refer to the podium being made out of Gordon B. Hinckley’s walnut tree.

7. Boyd K. Packer will say something bizarre about sexuality.

6. Henry Eyring will get choked up with emotion at least once.

5. A female speaker will express her gratitude for a religion that reveres and exalts women.

4. A general authority’s relative will be sustained as a new general authority.

3. There will be at least one talk about the church’s political neutrality, and it will not be given by Craig Zwick.

2. Dieter Uchtdorf’s face will be the brightest object in the conference center.

1. Thomas Monson will use a passive triplet, mention a widow (bonus points for including canaries), talk about a funeral or a visit to a hospital, and tell a story from his childhood about a model train or a dead sailor.

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12 Responses to Fearless Predictions for LDS General Conference

  1. DonManolo says:

    Actually, Monson’s talks about widows have been replaced by incoherent cutesy jokes

  2. ylauriston says:

    Thanks about these famous fearless predictions. It’s so great reading them. By these we can recognize how lds-church is focused about presenting a good image of this and then in profounder it’s some disguising.

    However would Thomas S.Monson be able to give a. speech because as I recently know that he has been getting Alzheimer and then his case is very critical?

    Will the lds church not replace Thomas S.Monson from the calling of president because, as I know they have been allegedly divided on competing factions about getting the throne of Thomas Monson between Boyd K.Packer and Dieter Utchdorf?

    Need a reply to these two questions above ….

  3. FireMountain says:

    What?! No more sappy and sentimental stories about widows? I am disappointed. What is the church coming to?

  4. zimmy says:

    thanks, now i dont have to hear any of the sessions.

  5. “Let’s go shopping!” didn’t make it on the list?
    ;)

  6. Brother Monson is not experiencing Alzheimer’s, unless you want to call direct communication with the Lord Alzheimer’s, and I wouldn’t, unless you want to seem blasphemous as well as stupid. I have never heard Boyd K. Packer say anything about sexuality that the Lord didn’t agree with, so you’d be the bizarre one if you didn’t like it. The only item on this list that fits #9. If you want a real list, maybe you should include something like: “Someone will be chosen to speak who has a heavy accent and who cannot be understood in an effort to be part of the global community.” The church does seem to be too concerned with worldliness instead of pleasing the Lord. Although I don’t think the church reveres women, as you indicate in #5, there are a lot of women who seem to be incapable of doing anything but copious crying at church, quite incoherently, I might add. But if you ever have anything sensible to say, like you should obey the Lord and the Lord alone, be prepared to be told you are confusing new members, because they just can’t understand that. (I guess to some people, the church is the Lord. But it isn’t. Last time I checked, Jesus is still the Lord, and that’s not going to change.) Should there be a discrepancy between obeying the Lord and listening to the church? No, but I assure you there will be discrepancies, and not from Monson or Packer, but mostly from your bishop, ward members, and other clueless individuals who never bothered to know the Lord because they thought they had better things to do.

    • runtu says:

      How do you know about President Monson’s medical care and conditions? I have no idea what he deals with medically, except I know he’s been hospitalized a few times for problems with diabetes. But then you don’t know anything, either, so before you call people blasphemous and stupid, you might want to think about your unwarranted, categorical statements that you cannot possibly back up.

      Packer has made a lot of bizarre statements about sexuality over the years. One wonders why, if the Lord agrees with him, the church edited his conference talk to remove an offensive and undoctrinal statement. Are the brethren bizarre because they didn’t agree with his statement?

      As for your dismissal of everything else, have you never watched conference? All of these things happen at least once. Still, it is fun to be chastised and called a stupid blasphemer for predicting that things that usually happen at conference will happen at this one. You may know the Lord better than I do, but I am not sure He’d approve of your attitude. I don’t recall Jesus ever saying, “Blessed are the smug and judgmental.”

    • GBSmith says:

      Well, so much for reasoned, civil discourse.

  7. runtu says:

    GBSmith: I did not make the initial post with any malice or mean-spiritedness in mind. I could have (and probably would have) written the same list when I was a believer. When I was teaching at BYU, I was talking about rhetorical devices, and I used conference as an example, using many of the things I noted above. My students thought it was funny, and after conference they reported that it was accurate. But some people are always going to take offense, for which I am sorry, but none was intended.

    • GBSmith says:

      Sorry, I thought my comment would show up under her post and not yours. My short but pithy note was for her not you and wasn’t meant to refer to the list which was really pretty good, IMHO. Anyway sorry for the mix up.

  8. [...] course, everybody knows that the best part of General Conference is the cinnamon rolls. DMI Dave slammed “Cafeteria Conference-goers” who are listening [...]

  9. Robert Keller says:

    I believe you are responsible for “the sun gets its light from elder Uchtdorf’s tan.” Excellent, but you have competition:

    http://generalauthority.wordpress.com/2014/03/16/monson-british-court-summons/

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