Monson Announces Presidential Candidacy

Surrounded by flag-waving Primary children, LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson announced his candidacy for the presidency of the United States. “As in the days of Joseph Smith, this country stands in an hour of crisis, and my prophetic calling demands that I offer my humble service to our great nation.”

Monson said that his campaign would be based on self-esteem. “Why, if Americans can learn their self-worth and divine potential,” said Monson wistfully, “we could solve so many of the ills that beset this people. I’m reminded of Kathleen McKee and her canaries. She had befriended many neighbors in need. She had brightened each life she touched. Kathleen was much like ‘Billie,’ her prized yellow canary with gray on its wings. She was not blessed with beauty. Yet her song helped others to more willingly bear their burdens. The world is filled with yellow canaries with gray on their wings. Some are young people who don’t know who they are, what they can be, or even what they want to be.”

“The great questions of the day are not about war and poverty, race and gender; they are about our responsibility to put smiles on the faces of others, and that will be my focus as president.”

Asked about his economic program, Monson replied, “My feeling is that we need to give more, to share more. When I was a young boy, I received a long-yearned-for electric train for Christmas; Mother had purchased a less-expensive wind-up version for Mark, our poorer neighbor. I noticed that Mark’s train had an oil tanker car, but mine didn’t. I pleaded with Mother to let me have the tanker, and finally, she handed it over, saying, ‘If you need it more than Mark, you take it.’ When we gave the train to Mark, Mother wisely asked, ‘What do you think of Mark’s train, Tommy?’

“I felt a keen sense of guilt and became very much aware of my foolishness,” he said. “I said to mother, ‘Wait just a moment; I’ll be right back.’ I ran home, retrieved the oil tanker car, then added an additional car from my own set. Then I hurried back and said to Mark, ‘We forgot to bring two cars that belong to your train.’ It is this same spirit of cooperation and love, nudged along by guilt, that will solve our nation’s ills.”

What about runaway budge deficits, he was asked. “Simple,” he smiled genially. “Just stop posting the numbers. Our church quit releasing its financials way back in 1959, and no one cares. We are free to deal with our own issues without pesky members looking over our shoulders. If you think about it, the federal budget is no one’s business except the people who spend the money.”

Monson cited his vast foreign policy experience as a traveling “special witness” for Jesus Christ. “I’ve dined with dictators and fellowshipped with fascists. I’ve gone mano a mano with Erich Honecker and the best the East Germans could throw at me; and look what I got: a temple and permission for missionaries to enter. And all it cost us was a pledge to support a brutal dictatorship. Temples were built, missions were served, and Communism was given a short respite.”

When queried about social inequality in the United States, Monson turned to poetry. “Might I cite the poet Wordsworth:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:  
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star, 
        Hath had elsewhere its setting,  
          And cometh from afar:  
        Not in entire forgetfulness,  
        And not in utter nakedness,  
But trailing clouds of glory do we come 
        From God, who is our home.

When we understand that we are all God’s children and all of us have that spark of divinity within us, there is no need for strife or inequality.”

Discussing “so-called women’s rights,” the prophet spoke of the need to train up boys in the way they should go. “As the poet expressed:

Nobody knows what a boy is worth,
We’ll have to wait and see.
But every man in a noble place,
A boy once used to be.”

When pressed as to why he didn’t mention the training of women, he replied, “I  assure you tonight that I honor you, the women of our country, and am well aware, to quote William R. Wallace, that ‘the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.’”

Monson said that he had been mulling over several campaign slogans:

“Monson ’08: Let’s bring back the fifties!”

“Together we can build malls to the future.”

“The Little Factory of Change!”


One Response to Monson Announces Presidential Candidacy

  1. sideon says:

    WICKEDLY funny, Runtu 🙂

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