New Service for Ward and Stake Leaders

The company that brought you has announced a follow-up service called This service will help ensure better results the next time you send out a reminder call. The service is simple: After you have sent out your reminders, simply keep track of who didn’t fulfill their assignment. Then you can select the names from list, and the service will automatically send the guilt reminder of your choice.

Sample messages:

Temple trip: Hello, this is Brother Smith. I note with some sadness that someone in the spirit world who has waited hundreds of years for their temple ordinances will have to wait even longer because you couldn’t be troubled to attend our ward’s temple night. I’m sure you were doing something much more worthwhile, such as watching reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I hope you can live with your conscience until the next temple night. We pray for you.

Chapel cleaning: Hello, this is Brother Packard, reminding you that once again, a small group of people had to spend long hours cleaning up cheerios and baby vomit from the chapel. We could have used your help, but I’m sure you felt justified in doing whatever it was you were doing. The next time you sit on a clean bench or change your baby’s diaper in a sanitary restroom, remember that others put their shoulder to the wheel so that you didn’t have to.

Enrichment night: We had a glorious enrichment night that could only have been richer had we been graced by your presence. Sister Johanssen spent a lot of time preparing her workshop on tole painting Easter trivets, but unfortunately your life will never be blessed by her efforts. Instead, a small group of the faithful gathered together and were uplifted. We look forward to seeing you next month, unless of course you intend to disappoint the Savior once again. With love, your sisters in Zion.

Calls can also be personalized for specific needs, such as the following:

Hello, Brother Charles. This is the bishop checking in on your masturbation problem. If you had a masturbation-free day, press 1. If you masturbated, press 2 and leave a detailed message describing how, where, and when you masturbated.

Satisfied customers rave about the results they’ve achieved:

“Attendance at our temple night is way up,” enthuses Brad Call of Moorpark, California. “One brother came up to me and said, ‘I’ll do anything you want. Just stop the calls. Please, I’m begging you!’ I couldn’t be more pleased.”

Bishop R. Craig Oats of Friendswood, Texas, agrees: “This system has really helped us in ‘raising the bar’ for missionary service. These guilt calls have reduced prospective missionary ‘moral issues’ by more than 38%. Thank you, LDSGuiltCalls!”

Rates are the same as those of LDSReminderCalls, with discounts for large orders.


15 Responses to New Service for Ward and Stake Leaders

  1. Mina says:

    I would be remiss if I did not tell you that the correct term is “tole painting.”

    Frankly, even this was beyond the skill of my ward members, or perhaps more truly, beyond the skill of the leaders who decided what skill level all the members were currently at or could ever hope to acheive. That’s why I have the lovely memory of being given a pre-fired ceramic clown to paint.

    Why could we not learn actual ceramics? Why could we not create instead of using a pre-formed mold? Why couldn’t we pour the clay into the mold? Why could we not choose a mold? Why, oh my god, why, a clown??????

  2. ditchu says:

    Mina, I think it is a time issue. Did everyone involved have time to go through all the steps to make a ceramic clown?

    Runt u, once again your humor has been lost on me. Too lowbrow I think.
    Why would a guilt service be necessary? I think you see too much guilt pointed your way and it has bled into your view of the church as a whole. What you may not understand is if members miss a temple trip, they maybe going on family temple trips and may wish to miss the one with the stake or ward. But I think you have been influenced by some misguided members who with their own enthusiasm have laid the guilt on. The best response would be to remind them that they do not understand the constraints of your life and that you choose family over church obligations. It is well accepted in my ward when family obligations come first.

  3. runtu says:

    Why am I not surprised that ditchu didn’t find this funny? Oh, well. When a church member cannot recognize the prime motivator in his religion, you have to think that some serious denial is going on.

  4. runtu says:

    Hay que entender, Marco, que yo no odio a la iglesia mormona. Ni pienso que es una de las religiones peores del mundo.

  5. ditchu says:

    The denial is on your part, you keep denying my point of view.
    Probably because it does not fit inside your paradigms, or perhapps because you are suffering from this guilt delusion… I do not discount your guilt experiences but I suggest that it is not the main experience in the LDS church.

  6. runtu says:

    I’m not denying your point of view, just vehemently disagreeing with it.

  7. Mina says:


    If the goal is actual cultural enrichment then some actual culture learning and experience should be offered rather than the production of silly kitsch items that futher infantilize women.

  8. Mina says:

    And also, no one should have to go through any steps to make a ceramic clown.

  9. runtu says:

    Jeez, Mina,

    You should just be happy that they let women make ceramic clowns at all. This cultural enrichment is really a luxury that women should be grateful for.

  10. ditchu says:

    Mina, if you dislike it so much, Don’t Go!
    Please do get over yourself. If you want something to come from these events take a leading roll in them. I’m sure your suggestions if made in a tactful way will create the change you seek.

  11. runtu says:

    Give it a rest, ditchu.

    A. Mina is no longer a member.
    B. Since when have church leaders ever listened to members’ suggestions?

  12. ditchu says:

    B. since church members voiced their suggestions to church leaders.

    But this could well result in those members being given leadership positions, in one respect you may argue that this is no more than a leader making their suggestions happen.

    What ever happened to an egalitarien maritocricy? A civilization in which anyone can take the lead on a project, all they need to do is have an idea and the curage to lead.

  13. bull says:

    What a hoot. The most common result I’ve seen when trying to make suggestions to church leaders is either a condescending smile or else a lecture not to “steady the ark.” After all, the leaders have the right to divine inspiration in order to fulfill their calling and apparently those not called cannot be a channel for providing such inspiritation.

    The idea of meritocracy is completely lost on the Mormon church leadership.

  14. runtu says:

    I know, bull. I seriously do not recognize the church that ditchu belongs to.

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