The pleaser

I’ve been reminded in the last few days that my natural inclination is to want to please others. I hate confrontation, and I always try to smooth things over and try to create peace and harmony.

But too often that has come at a high price. I’ve caved in to unreasonable demands in the name of peace too many times, and in the process I’ve forgotten who I am and what I want out of life.

Time in therapy has helped, but I’m not where I want to be. I’m not saying I don’t want to be a nice person anymore, but I am convinced that my continual efforts to please others are slowly killing me.

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10 Responses to The pleaser

  1. K*tty says:

    I just want to give you a big hug. Hang in there. You will still be a nice person even if you don’t continue to “cave in to unreasonable demands in the name of peace.” Shake things up and don’t give in. I am sure you know that you can’t please everyone, so start with yourself first and the rest will follow.

  2. Chris says:

    I want to say that I know exactly how you feel, but will I be saying it just to please you? Or because I really do know exactly how you feel? I’m so confused…

  3. Mina says:

    Oh I know this tendency well…

    but you know, runtu, you please me!

  4. usnamom says:

    It is hard to change the thought processes to not be “nice” isn’t it? Sooner or later, one has to figure out for themselves that no one will please you unless you please yourself…..wait, that doesn’t sound right, does it?

    People treat us the way we have taught them to. There, that is better.

  5. SillyNut says:

    I’m such an enabler. I never thought I was, but I am realizing that I am. I also participate in the same cycles in relationships, the same dance if you will.

    Just this past week I realized that I’m sick of what I’m doing. It’s not Fig’s fault, it’s just the pattern we got stuck in when we got married. So, I’ve decided what I need to change for me and I’m going to do it. My sitch is a little different from yours, but I do understand what you feel.

    Boundaries are a good thing. They are NOT being mean. Boundaries are to protect you, not punish someone else. Remember that you can have strong, healthy boundaries that aren’t popular with everyone else, yet still be kind and loving.

    Oh, and try this daily thought site out. I love it.

    http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?defaultCatId=1904

    Good luck.

  6. I am the exact same way, Runtu. I think that you and I were separated at birth, sometimes. LOL

    I did nothing but please everyone in my life for years, and it almost destroyed me. I went into a severe depression. It took time, but I really had to redefine who I was and what I wanted. My husband wasn’t thrilled about my career change, or my going back to school to obtain it, but it has paid off in the long run. Hang in!

    *Massive hugs coming your way from your crush..” LOL

  7. sideon says:

    I support you (like a big emotional jock strap), however you are because you’re you – brilliant, compassionate, giving, kind (everything that I’m not).

    Not all confrontations and disagreements are a bad thing. They’re an opportunity to define your playground. Like SillyNut stated, it’s about boundaries, and your life is YOUR playground – others need to be receptive and respectful of your needs as well.

    The big Gay Exmo Oprah, signing off now and having a late dinner (and beverage of choice is non-blessed water).

  8. Ray Agostini says:

    You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not please all of the people all of the time.

    —Lincoln Plagriast

  9. Anonymous Literary Admirer says:

    Runtu:

    I think you’re rather an exceptional person. Your beatiful writing shows your depth of character.

    I understand your challenges, and I support you, as do many others. You’ll learn step by step how to set and stick to your boundaries and yet still remain a decent person. The two are not mutually incompatible, as many would have you believe. But those people are the very people who stand to benefit by you not learning to say no. Always remember that. Sure, you’ll lose some of those “friends” but you’ll be happier for having done a spiritual “spring cleaning”. Don’t forget that getting rid of those people will create room for true friends. Yes, I know, the situation is different for family, but the principle and lesson remain the same.

    Just say NO. Because you’re right; pleasing others at your own expense can slowly kill you.

  10. Anonymous Literary Admirer says:

    (sigh)..that should be beaUtiful…

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