The Real Reasons I Left Mormonism

OK, I admit it: the problems I listed in my earlier post are not the real reasons I am no longer a practicing and believing Mormon. Here are my true motivations, in no particular order:

I was offended. Once my bishop called me “Monty” by mistake, and I seethed quietly for months. Eventually, I began focusing on the faults of my church leaders, noticing, for example, the high priests group leader’s bad breath and the Relief Society president’s incessant repetition of “ya know?” I figured that if Bishop Bittman couldn’t get my name right, how was I supposed to have any faith in Joseph Smith? I’m still mad at the bishop. Dirtbag.

I had a secret desire for sin. It’s shameful to admit, but I am afflicted with the same deadly temptation that tormented the late Troy McClure: a marine mammal fetish. Try as I might, I couldn’t control my baser instincts, and soon I found myself wandering aimlessly around Sea World in San Antonio. I knew I couldn’t live out my fantasies and still be a Mormon, so I left.

I never had a testimony. When I’ve spoken about intense spiritual experiences I’ve had in the temple, on my mission, and in answer to prayer, I was lying. I made it all up. After all, if I’d had a testimony, I never would have left in the first place, would I? I guess I’ll always be a cucumber, and never a pickle.

I’m too proud. This one is obvious. When you start feeling like you have some reasonable answers as to why things in Mormonism don’t add up, you know it’s pride working on you. It has to be pride when you start thinking that God’s prophets are wrong about such things as evolution, the flood, Lamanites, and same-sex marriage. I admit it: I excel in pride. It’s one of my more endearing qualities.

So, let this be a warning to others who would think to stray from the path. The flaxen cords of apostasy lead only to misery. Not really, but some people like to think that.

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12 Responses to The Real Reasons I Left Mormonism

  1. Hellmut says:

    I bet you that you are also a black and white thinker. That’s what happens when you hang out too much with orkas.

  2. runtu says:

    Oh, crap, Hellmut. I forgot that one. 🙂

    MK: I hope you’re doing OK. Love you.

  3. Todd Wood says:

    You mean it wasn’t all those penned-up fundamentalist tendencies that gave you the shaken faith syndrome?

    Come on. This is the #1 reason in 2008.

  4. runtu says:

    Yeah, if only I had realized that Mormonism is a postmodern religion, I’d have been OK.

  5. I knew it! I just knew it!

  6. […] September 25, 2008 by Todd Wood Now, I must admit as a man anchored to biblical fundamentals, post-LDS Runtu has me chuckling with this comment on his blog. […]

  7. Saganist says:

    I bet you also took your faith way too seriously. If only you hadn’t expected absolute perfection from all Mormons everywhere, and especially from God’s holy but all-too-fallible mouthpiece. Poor Runtu.

  8. GBSmith says:

    now, now, remember, sarcasm is the devil’s tool.

  9. sideon says:

    I left because my aunt asked me about going on a mission ONE too many times. I told her unless I could pick my companion, who had to be hunky, kissable and completely obedient to my every whim, then I didn’t want to go.

    No hunk, no mission, no deal.

  10. I found this blog off the WordPress Dashboard and just wanted to say that this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve read lately!! Honestly – it’s so brutally true, honest, witty and satirical all at once…. it’s brilliant! Good job!

  11. Arthur Sido says:

    High comedy! I got a lot of the same stuff, every reason for my apostasy except one: realizing that the whole thing was a lie.

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