Great Moments in Testimony Meeting: The Scissors Story

We lived in Orem, Utah, for a few years, and there was a nursing home just down the street from our house. One very elderly man from Mississippi moved his wife into the nursing home and then rented a room from our neighbors so he could be close to her. The first Fast Sunday after he moved in, he ambled up to the podium and said something like this:

“Back when I was a boy in Mississippi, there was a crazy girl in our town who never said nothing but ‘SCISSORS!’ all the time. It drove everyone to distraction. Whenever you saw her, she’d come right up to you and say ‘SCISSORS!'”

“One day one of the men in town told her he’d had enough. He said, ‘If you say scissors one more time, we’re going to throw you in the river.”

“She just looked at him and said, ‘SCISSORS!'”

“So, several of the boys grabbed her and carried her down to the river and threw her in. She went under, and when she came up, she yelled, ‘SCISSORS!'”

“Then she went under a second time, and when she came up, she yelled, ‘SCISSORS!'”

“The third time, only her hand came up out of the water, and she did this.”

He raised his hand over his head and with two fingers, made a scissoring motion.

“Then she went down again and was never seen again. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

My wife and I were hiding behind the pews dying of laughter.

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6 Responses to Great Moments in Testimony Meeting: The Scissors Story

  1. What the heck? That’s awesome. Was he deliberately trying to be funny, or was he just senile?

  2. Roddy Whyte says:

    I’m not sure which story seems more fake, the scissors one or an old man standing up during a testimony meeting and sharing that.

  3. runtu says:

    I doubt the actual scissors story happened, but the old guy did get up in testimony meeting and say that. My former bishop works down the hall from me, and he remembers it.

    But, what do I know? I’m probably one of those evil, lying anti-Mormons.

  4. erlybird says:

    This one really happened:

    I stood up in a meeting in the French ward in which I was serving on my mission, down in Toulouse, with my French companion (rare to have an actual French comp) sitting in the back row and in an attempt to call the folks listening the “salt of the Earth” I used the word “preservatif” which means “condom” instead of the word “conservateur” which means “preservative”

  5. K*tty says:

    This makes me think of something I have heard a few times. It goes something like this….”More false doctrine is taught in testimony meeting than anywhere else.” ( or maybe it was Sacrament meeting) If you think about it, that’s true. Because anyone can stand up and rant whatever they want. When they are finished, no one stands up after them and says a word about some of their incredible statements or spin on things. When I was active, I use to say to my kids. “You better know what the church believes, because sometimes it is not going to come across from the pulpit.” I think I could consider going back if they actually paid someone to enlighten us with well thought out talks that were short and to the point. But as I remember it, testimony meeting was like live TV, you just never knew what bizarre thing you would hear there.

  6. erlybird says:

    What kind of “bizarre thing” are we talking about, K*tty?

    I have heard my share of weird ideas, believe me…as an old LDS comic strip pointed out, “It seems that every Priesthood discussion ends up as a debate over ancient American airfields”. So which weird idea were you referring to?

    Maybe you are thinking of the idea that some guy prayed so hard in a garden that he sweat blood and agreed to take on the sins of the world and then was hung on a cross to complete the deal?

    Maybe you mean the idea that because I have a body of flesh and blood and someone dead person whose name is on a computer monitor above the font does not I can get dunked and by having the dead person’s name spoken over me he somehow gets baptized.

    Maybe that being dunked in water while saying a certain prayer (make sure everything gets covered or it doesn’t count) does any thing more than get a person wet.

    Or maybe it is the thing about the consecrated oil being the key to the whole priesthood blessing. Grab some oil, pray over it…and POOF…magic oil.

    Maybe it’s the one about the Founding Fathers of the US being “inspired” by God to clear out all the Native Americans so that this nation could be established and the True Church could be REestablished. Whew…lucky us.

    Maybe it is the just one about there being some personage living in the sky, who created everything, and who gives a damn about what we are doing here.

    Or maybe, maybe it is the idea that human beings matter IN THE LEAST to anyone but ourselves…that this planet is here just for us…that WE are the be and end all of creation…and that we have the right to do anything we damn well please while we are here.

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