Not long ago, someone told me that I needed to really try hard to overcome my “issues” with the LDS church because “the stakes are so high.”
Back in my believing days, I would have agreed that the stakes were high: my eternal salvation depended on having faith in the gospel I had been taught all my life. Losing my faith was akin to spiritual death in that I would forever be cut off from God’s presence.
When I first left the church, I felt a sort of desperation to find a “true” church I could live with, but when I determined that my situation didn’t allow for such a search, I decided I would just keep going to LDS meetings, though participating minimally and believing even less.
That’s been about all I could do and still feel comfortable with myself. But a couple of weeks ago, I went to a “Bible church” here in Utah County, and I found that I didn’t really feel any more at home with this group, but I did realize that for once I let my guard down and tried to absorb something from the meetings.
It occurred to me that my guard is always up at LDS meetings. I don’t let anything in because I don’t really want to revisit the pain and disappointment of discovering it’s not true. But I’ve thought that, although I won’t ever be a believer in the LDS sense of the word, I can still worship in my own way with the Saints.
I know some people think that doing so would just make me lukewarm, though I suspect that God reserves that term for people who are undecided about their commitments. I am not. I know that I will never believe in Mormonism again. It simply isn’t true. But I wonder if the stakes are really that high.
Can I make a life for myself within the Mormon sphere without embracing it as true? I have no idea. What do you think?