Utah Students to Hear President’s Message

In a surprise move, the Utah State Office of Education has announced that after reviewing the controversy surrounding President Barack Obama’s upcoming live address to the nation’s students, state leaders have arranged for a more acceptable alternative speaker: LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson.

“Over the last few days, we’ve received hundreds of calls and emails from parents worried that their children would be subjected to political propaganda from President Obama,” said Utah Superintendent of Public Instruction, L. Garth Groesbeck. “We didn’t want anyone to feel excluded or pressured, so we looked for someone who could serve as a positive role model for all students, regardless of political stripe.”

Groesbeck said that Monson was a “natural choice” to inspire the students. “Here is a man who has throughout his life reached out to others, especially widows, and who has consistently avoided political positions, except on crucial moral matters such as same-sex marriage rights and alcohol consumption laws. We feel strongly that by substituting President Monson for President Obama, we can give our children access to a more inclusive and inspiring speaker.”

LDS church officials indicated that the prophet would speak from the campus of Brigham Young University. “President Monson felt that, by speaking from the namesake university of one of the state’s founders, he would be able to share his message of faith and testimony without offending anyone’s political sensibilities.”

Monson’s theme will be “Strengthening Testimonies in the Latter Days.” Church spokesman Daniel Jenks explained that in these last days of trial and tribulation, “the most important knowledge one can accumulate is a testimony of our Savior. No other education can compare.”

Utah ACLU attorney Laurel Meyer said that she had been startled and outraged at first. “But then when I thought about it, I realized that all we would be seeing was a laundry list of platitudes and bad poetry. What’s the harm in that?”

Eagle Fortress president Gail Ruzkinsky applauded the state’s choice. “I have to tell you I was disgusted at the thought of our children being exposed to the virulent socialism of our so-called president, This choice leaves no doubt that, at least in Utah, we stand up for American ideals. We support God and country, not gays and socialized medicine.”

Church leaders indicated that the church would be happy to broadcast the prophet’s message to all fifty states, but so far, none of the governors contacted had accepted the offer.

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9 Responses to Utah Students to Hear President’s Message

  1. Tommy Monson is my president, right after Charlton Heston!

  2. […] is up in arms about it. Holly reports on the intellectual carnage in Farmington Utah, and Runtu reports on Utah’s solution (replacing the president’s message with a more inclusive […]

  3. M says:

    Loved this. But where are all the haters that came-out with your Monson lawsuit post? Could it be they think this one is true? Poe’s Law strikes again.

    M (aka Lola-Cola)

  4. K*tty says:

    The members of the stake that I once attended, are more concerned with “pandemic readiness” than anything Obama could be telling school children.
    So when the little fast offering guy dropped by, as he does each and every first Sunday, he left this all important pamphlet for this seminar. I am sure it is a missionary tool and is also keeping the doom and gloom theories of the church well and alive.

  5. Reed Manson says:

    After 4 seconds of thought I’d have to say I prefer
    Monson over Obama. Monsons tax rate is only ten percent and completely voluntary. But in the end they are both just professional purveyors of fiction.

  6. OutontheFarm says:

    Thanks – I needed a laugh today.

  7. jill says:

    Reed does have a good point about the “tax” rate. And Monson’s addresses give better napping time.

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