Top Ten Ways to Get Members to Take Church Less Seriously

Once again I’ve been told that the reason I left Mormonism is that I took it too seriously. Rather than comment directly on the absurdity of such a statement, I’ll just provide some suggestions for getting Mormons to be more relaxed about the restored gospel. After all, I’m just doing my part to help people maintain faith:

1. New Primary song: “Follow the Prophet (unless it’s his personal opinion and/or he’s dead).”
2. Temple Change for Satan: “If they do not walk up to every covenant they make at these altars in this temple this day, they will show themselves to be true disciples, and I’m screwed!
3. Disclaimer before every conference: “The opinions expressed here do not reflect those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or its officers.”
4. Goodbye “Doctrine and Covenants”; hello “Suggestions and Possibilities.”
5. New missionary program: “Preach My Gospel (but don’t be, you know, too pushy about it).”
6. Add a tenth Young Women Value: “Uncommitted.”
7. New hymn: “Do What Feels Good; Don’t Worry about the Consequences.”
8. David Bednar’s new talk: Not everyone has to be a pickle if they don’t feel like it.
9. Revised Teachings of Joseph Smith: “Let us here observe, that a religion that does not allow its members to come up for air and take a well-needed rest once in a while, never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary unto life and salvation.”
10. New Option in church voting: “Sustain. Opposed. Whatever.

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4 Responses to Top Ten Ways to Get Members to Take Church Less Seriously

  1. Odell Campbell says:

    Here you go. This is the correct question and answers in a temple recommend, because good Mormons don’t take it too seriously:

    1 Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?

    Answer: “Yes, but I get confused about God having a body or being a personage of spirit, as Smith claimed, but I guess it really doesn’t matter if there is a god anyway – so why are you asking me anyway.”

    2 Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

    Answer, “Sure I do, but why exactly again do we need to take this that seriously?”

    3 Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

    Answer: “Restoration of the gospel” Whatever that means. No, I don’t believe any of it. I don’t believe the First Vision happened, and I definitely don’t believe that Book of Mormon is a real translation of a real record. But I guess that’s okay.”

    4 Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

    Answer: “Hell no, next question please.”

    5 Do you live the law of chastity?

    Answer: “Usually, but it depends.”

    6 Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

    Answer: “I hope not, help me out a bit here bishop – what’s the right answer?”

    7 Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

    Answer: “Seeing that live in a world where 99.9998% percent of the population thinks Mormonism is a fraud and/or wrong, yes – I affiliate with tons of groups and people whose teachings are contrary the LDS church’s.”
    8 Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

    Answer: “I hate sacrament meeting and all the other meetings, and frequently attend other churches with more interesting sermons, or sometimes I go shopping, or sometimes I just stay home, next question.”

    9 Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

    Answer: “When is suits me.”

    10 Are you a full-tithe payer?

    Answer: “If by that you mean ten percent of my gross income, or net income, or increase, then my answer is ‘No”, is that really necessary for a recommend? I hope that’s not an issue here Bishop.”

    11 Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?

    Answer: “Okay, this one’s easy. I can say unequivocally that I frequently abstain from liquor, wine, beer, coffee, tea and cigarettes.”

    12 Do you have financial or other oblgations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?

    Answer: “Gee bishop, I haven’t paid child support in ages, but I’m a good high priest.”

    13 If you have previously received your temple endowment:

    Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?

    Answer: “All of them, just like Satan warned in the temple ceremony. Or are you talking about that last one – giving all that I possess to the building up of the church? You guys weren’t serious about this one were you?

    Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

    Answer: “I do, unless I am exercising, going out with friends, having sex, after sex, wearing something which is revealing, or unless its too hot outside.”

    14 Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

    Answer: “Don’t we all, but how does that matter”

    15 Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?

    Answer: “Absosof*ckinglutely!”

    • Odell Campbell says:

      Yes, complete sarcasm was intended. I recently had a good friend of mine who is still LDS tell me that I took it all too seriously. That there are Higher Mormons and Lower Mormons and I should have learned to be a lower Mormon. I served in a bishopric with this friend and in the temple as temple ordinance worker with this same friend and really couldn’t believe that he was telling me that my exit from Mormonism was because I took it too seriously.

  2. Saganist says:

    Actually, I agree with whoever said you left Mormonism because you took it seriously. I’m the same way. But I disagree with the idea that you took it too seriously. If the LDS church really is what it claims to be, is it possible to take it too seriously? I don’t think so. Any reasonable person would hold their extraordinary claims to an extraordinary standard of evidence.

  3. Coffee Lovers…

    […]Top Ten Ways to Get Members to Take Church Less Seriously « Runtu's Rincón[…]…

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