Sources close to the Neal A. Maxwell Institute for Religious Studies (formerly known as FARMS) reveal that Mormon apologists played a “pivotal” role in the hunt and eventual capture of al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.
“Everyone knows the trail had gone cold, and the CIA, DIA, and every other military and government agency was getting frustrated,” said a NAMIRS staffer who wished to remain anonymous for fear of becoming a target for terrorism. “When they need the big boys, they call us.”
The staffer went on to explain that the search for Bin Laden entered a new phase, just as the search for Lamanite evidence had reached a turning point in the last 20 years or so.
“It became pretty clear that we weren’t going to find the Book of Mormon in ancient America, so we decided to start looking for ancient America in the Book of Mormon,” said the source. “Once we stopped looking for, you know, actual archaeological, anthropological, and other scientific evidence, we started seeing all kinds of evidence in the text itself.
“Look at the parallels! Once you discount obvious anomalies and mistranslations such as horses, chariots, and steel swords, it’s overwhelming! The text mentions towers and pyramids and cement! And, how on earth could Joseph Smith have guessed that a king would sit on an ornate ceremonial throne? Such obvious hits are difficult to explain unless you accept the most parsimonious explanation: that an angel brought golden plates for Joseph to translate with a rock in a hat. There simply is no other logical explanation.”
Asked how this work translated into the successful hunt for Bin Laden, the staffer smiled and explained, “The government was looking for Bin Laden in the ‘real’ world, a mistake, as I’ve explained. We showed them how to look for Bin Laden in his writings, and that’s where the breakthrough occurred.”
Analyzing hundreds of press releases and video/audio recordings of Bin Laden, NAMIRS staffers discovered something amazing: Bin Laden wasn’t actually writing or speaking the text; the text was a cipher key intended to develop a “pure Arabic,” like that of Adam, by which the terrorists could communicate in a higher sphere.
“It was amazing! The Lord had prepared us to crack the ‘Bin Laden Code’ by leading us to work out the meaning of the Kirtland Egyptian Papers. The similarities were uncanny and intuitively evident to everyone involved.” The staffer added, “While the CIA was busy poring over satellite images, we were doing the real work.”
NAMIRS researchers discovered a surprising complexity in the terrorist leader’s written and spoken communiques. Bin Laden’s rambling audiotapes revealed that there are at least three “degrees” of meaning in the terror leaders words. A sample paragraph from a 2006 audio tape is illustrative. Speaking of the American soldier, Bin Laden says:
So, he is between two bitter situations, something which puts him under psychological pressure – fear, humiliation, and coercion. Moreover, his people are careless about him. So, he has no choice but to commit suicide.
The first phrase, “he is between two bitter situations” shows the first degree, indicating the person, or in short “who.” The second phrase, “something which puts him under psychological pressure – fear, humiliation, and coercion,” gives the second degree, indicating the subject, or “what.” The third degree, “Moreover, his people are careless about him. So, he has no choice but to commit suicide,” illustrates confusion in person and purpose, or in summary, “I don’t know.”
Working from this, NAMIRS scholars were able to come up with a cipher key, as follows:
Person = Who = First
Subject = What = Second
Confusion = I don’t know = Third
Through painstaking archival research and wordprint studies over many months, leading apologists were able to pinpoint Bin Laden’s location through this key reconstruction of the cipher: “Who’s on first, what’s on second, and I don’t know’s on third.”
“Like a laser beam, we focused right in on Lou Costello,” said the staffer. “At one point we thought we had him, dead to rights, in Tustin, California.”
Resident Joel Ericson of Costello Drive, in Tustin, confirms that he had awakened one morning to find his house surrounded by what he describes as a “rabid group of middle-aged guys in white shirts and ties. Totally creeped me out.”
Further research into the Costello connection was equally fruitless, until an alert NAMIRS volunteer retraced his steps and discovered that it was Costello’s straight man who had uttered the cryptic lines: “There it was, right in front of us: Abbottabad; it couldn’t be any place else.”
“We wasted no time and tried everything we could to alert the White House, the CIA, and the military. We thought they had just blown us off, but the successful raid tells us otherwise.”
When asked for comment, a CIA spokesman said, “Mormons? You are kidding, aren’t you?”
NAMIRS staffers took the government denials in stride. “Of course they have to deny it. It’s still classified information. Someday the world will know that we had a big part in winning the war on terror, just as we quietly caused the collapse of the Soviet empire and the fall of the Iron Curtain. Until then, we can rest on the satisfaction of a job well done.”