Exclusive: Osama’s Diary

Owing to my connections in high places within government, intelligence, and civic organizations, I am pleased to announce that my blog will be the exclusive home for selected excerpts from Osama bin Laden’s diary. I think you will agree with me that the diary is a revealing and intimately personal glimpse into the life of the man revered by jihadists and hunted by governments and armies.

The diary begins March 10, 2010.

I’ll begin from the moment I got you, the moment I saw you lying on the table among my other birthday presents. I wanted an XBox 360 because, duh, Final Fantasy XIII came out yesterday, but I guess a diary is OK.

Last night we stayed up late and watched al-Jazeera and then American Idol. Didi was totally channeling Stevie Nicks, but Lilly doing Patsy? OMG, barf! The wives were getting into Casey; they said he looks like a blonde version of me. As if. Adam (you know, that kind of dorky American) just kept gushing about Aaron Kelly and his “smooth, boyish features,” and I was like, Ick, whatever.

Ayman was being a total douchebag because he wanted to watch 90210, but I was like, Dude, get your own TV! I mean the guy is a doctor, he can afford it.

Slept in late and watched iCarly over a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I told Ayman I was taking the day off, so no calls, no couriers, just a relaxing day in the hot tub with the wives. Adam was way pissed when I told him there wasn’t room for him in the hot tub, so he stomped off to play MapleStory for a while. What the hell kind of screen name is Purple Cherub?

Lunch was great. Wife #3 (I always forget her name) made “ultimate nachos” and Nestle’s Quik. What would I do without her.

Played World of Warcraft while Ayman was busy working on some bombing or something. Who knows? Who cares? Adam noticed I was on, so all of a sudden I’m being followed around by the Purple Cherub. I know he likes me, but jeez, give it a rest!

Mom Facebooked me a happy birthday. I totally forgot to harvest her peaches on FarmVille. Maybe after the party. Adam’s status was “crushing on the OBL.” Kinda squicked by that, but you know, he’s awesome with the video and scaring Americans, so what can I do?

The party was, like, OK. I got a sweater from Mom (again!). The wives chipped in and bought me a George Foreman grill (like I’m ever going to cook, duh). Ayman said his gift to me would be a wicked-good attack on the crusading infidels, but I was like, “Dude, attacking infidels doesn’t get me any Microsoft Points.” I swear he rolled his eyes at me, but he promises he wasn’t.

Adam got me a two-year subscription to the Undergear catalog. He said he just wanted me to look nice and be comfortable. I guess he was right; some of my stuff is getting a little worn out. I’m not sure why he circled a studded latex jockstrap, but the wives thought it was pretty hot. I guess I should be glad to have someone around who has good taste.

Stayed up late getting a pedicure from Adam (the mauve looks nice on my nails), and then we braided each other’s beards and watched Suite Life on Deck (Adam likes Cole, but I think Dylan is cuter and a better actor). Watched al-Jazeera for a while. I am so freaking sick of that Obama. All I ever hear about is Obama this, Obama that. He thinks he’s soooo popular and cool, but it won’t last. I mean, look at Bush. His ratings were like in the 90s, and now where is he? Clearing brush in some god-awful hole in Texas.

OK, I can go to bed now. My Idol faves are safe (Go, Didi!), and Ayman is watching Futurama (I keep having to remind him you can’t assassinate an animated robot). Tomorrow I guess I have to get back to work, you know, evil terror master and all that. But today was pretty awesome. I think I might keep the toenails polished. I mean, no one will know but me, Adam, and the wives.

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