I’ve long suspected that the Jihadist movement is motivated by an immature desire to be noticed and taken seriously by others. In other words, these folks are the heavily armed, swarthy version of angry tweens whose parents won’t let them go to the Justin Bieber concert. And as such, they deserve about as much respect and seriousness (read: none).
In a further bid to prove me right, the Jihadists are now out to get the greatest, most evil and despicable, threat to the Caliphate: David Letterman. Apparently, they can handle drone attacks and special forces raids, but make fun of them at your own risk: they might start crying, hold their breaths, or come after you with a suicide vest.
So, as befits our humorless, immature friends:
Top Ten Reasons Jihadists Are Targeting Letterman
10. Sirajul and Mujibur: victims of Letterman’s vicious anti-Muslim persecution.
9. Despite a massive letter-writing campaign, Dave refuses to let Ayman Al-Zawahiri guest-host the show.
8. CBS isn’t likely to retaliate with an airstrike.
7. Once Letterman is gone, Adam Gadahn is sure to wow the producers with his improv tape.
6. Grinder Girl distracts jihadists from their porn viewing.
5. Biff Henderson: Zionist stooge.
4. They didn’t get the memo that Oprah’s feud with Dave is over.
3. Replacing Jay Leno with an animatronic robot hasn’t gotten them the attention they anticipated.
2. Anwar al-Awlaki resents not being recognized as Letterman’s illegitimate son.
1. Will it float? Apparently, Osama won’t.