Babel: The location from which all languages came when God was angry with the people for trying to build a tower to heaven. Only Jared and his family were spared, and they were blessed to travel for a year in crowded, suffocating semisubmersible barges with their animals so that they could later be destroyed.
Balaam: An ancient prophet whose life was saved by a talking ass. (Note: the ass bears only superficial resemblance to some General Authorities.)
Baptism: A ritual cleansing in which the subject is immersed in water and thus symbolically washed of his or her sins. It is important to note that Jesus cannot forgive anyone’s sins unless they’ve had the right baptism by the right authority (sorry, Catholics and Protestants). Is considered a status symbol in many missions, where baptism may also be referred to as “dunking” or “bapping.”
Barley: A grain used to make “mild drinks” such as beer, which are approved of God. Oh, wait.
Bear: What God sends when you piss off a prophet. Also can refer to erroneous teachings about Satan from sectarian ministers.
Beard: In Old Testament times, a sign of piety; trimming of beards was considered a mark of idolatry. Modern prophets have declared that beards are not appropriate for righteous priesthood holders and should be PhotoShopped out of church publications and university catalogs. May also refer to Patriarch Joseph Fielding Smith’s wife.
Beatitudes: Blessings Jesus pronounced for certain pious behaviors and traits. Joseph Smith revised them twice before he got them right. These traits have been rendered obsolete by the For the Strength of Youth pamphlets.
Beelzebub: Satan or anything Satanic, such as chai lattes or Harry Potter books.
Benson, Ezra Taft: Thirteenth president of the LDS church. Known for his fierce anti-Communism, advocacy of the John Birch Society, and service as Agriculture Secretary in the Eisenhower administration. Sent to Europe in the early 1960s when his political views became embarrassing to the church. His presidency is notable for his advocacy of the Book of Mormon and the US Constitution, plagiarism of a relative’s talk about pride, and the insistence that he was making daily decisions while in an advanced state of dementia.
Bible: The word of God corrupted by apostate and careless scribes. The Book of Mormon was brought forth to testify that the Bible is true.
Bible Dictionary: Study guide published in the 1979 LDS edition of the Bible. Written mostly by apostle Bruce McConkie and approved by the Correlation Committee, the Bible Dictionary does not reflect official doctrine.
Birth Control: Once a vile practice condemned of God, now it is a matter between husband and wife to be prayerfully considered.
Bishop: A judge in Israel, which generally means someone who conducts meetings and asks adults and children inappropriate questions about sex behind closed doors.
Blacks: People of sub-Saharan African descent. Cursed until 1978.
Blasphemy: Denying God, expressing belief in organic evolution, or questioning the propriety of building a multibillion-dollar mall.
Blessing: When something good happens to you. Also when something bad happens to you.
Bonneville International: A media conglomerate owned by the church and purveyor of the patented “HeartSell”® method of “strategic emotional advertising that stimulates response.” (Note: this is completely unrelated to the missionary lessons or the process of gaining a testimony.)
Book of Commandments: An early collection of Joseph Smith’s revelations. Most copies were destroyed by a Missouri mob, which was providential because it allowed Joseph Smith to rewrite the revelations to better suit changing doctrines and practices.
Book of Mormon: The most correct book on earth; we know this because it has been revised and corrected dozens of times. It was translated from golden plates that Joseph received from an angel. After receiving the plates, Joseph didn’t actually use them in his translation process; instead, he placed a stone in a hat and put his face into the hat, a technique he had mastered when seeking buried treasure and lost horses.
Book of Mormon Geography: A largely fruitless endeavor that has succeeded only in spawning a cottage industry of tours of Central America.
Book of Moses: Excerpts from Joseph Smith’s inspired translation of the Bible to make it fit LDS theology more.
Brethren: A generic term for those whom the Lord has called to be General Authorities in the church. It must always be spoken with reverence, unless of course a leader is referring to the lower rungs of the priesthood.
Bride: A woman who is lawfully wedded to her husband. (Note: does not apply if your husband’s name is Joseph Smith.)
Brigham Young University: A place where Mormon high school graduates learn information that reinforces their beliefs and prepares them to serve missions and marry other BYU students in the temple. Once referred to as “the Harvard of the West,” most people just call it “the Y” when they’ve stopped laughing. May have detrimental effects if listed on a resume.
Brother of Jared: Builder of barges that, despite having no sails or other means of propulsion, carried humans and animals across the ocean over a period of one year. Despite the logistical problems inherent in such an endeavor, the Brother of Jared was inspired to ask how the barges were to be illuminated. He presented sixteen stones to the Lord, and the Lord touched them and made them glow. At this time, the Brother of Jared saw the finger of Jesus’ premortal spirit body, and having shown great faith, was shown many mysteries and truths. He is said to have moved a mountain to show that prophets are capable of making literary devices become literal.
Buffetings of Satan: What happens to you when you leave the LDS church. For example, Aaron Eckhart’s career has been nearly destroyed since he left the church.
Burnings, Everlasting: Joseph Smith taught that God dwells in everlasting fire, which shows that the belief in a hell of fire and brimstone is an apostate notion. Only those who have become perfected by earning grace can dwell in the presence of such burnings without being consumed.