Concise Dictionary of Mormonism: E

Earth: One of many worlds that God has created. The earth was formed during “a creative period [that] was of relatively short duration” and has a “temporal existence” of a mere 7,000 years. This earth is special because it is the one to which Jesus came in mortality; this had to be so because people on earth were the only ones wicked enough to kill their Savior.

Easter:A Christian holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. For Mormons, this is generally marked by Easter candy, ham and funeral potatoes, and possibly some Christ-centered talks in sacrament meeting.

Eden: The place in what is now Missouri where Adam and Eve dwelt in innocence until Eve “chose wisely in accordance with the heavenly law of love for others” to disobey God’s commandment and thus bring mortality into the world. But it’s OK because God didn’t really want them to obey.

Education Week: An annual event at BYU where church members pay money to hear motivational and faith-promoting talks from moonlighting seminary and institute teachers whose books are available for purchase. (Disclaimer: BYU does not guarantee that any education will be provided during said week.)

Egypt: Land of Pharaohs, Pyramids, and incredible insights into astronomy, such as how the sun borrows its light from Kolob, and ancient languages, such as the meaning of the Chaldean word “Rahleenos.”

Egyptian: A hieroglyphic script used in ancient Egypt that was fortunately translated brilliantly by Joseph Smith before he had heard of the Rosetta Stone.

Egyptus: A black woman who was the wife of Ham and the founder of Egypt. Had she not survived on the ark, we would never have known black people were cursed.

Elder: A term of respect for older, wiser believers whose experience and wisdom are to be respected. Also the title given to inexperienced teenagers before they go on their missions. Often mistaken as the first name of every missionary.

Elect: “The elect are those who love God with all their hearts and live lives that are pleasing to him. Those who live such lives of discipleship will one day be selected by the Lord to be among his chosen children.”  (Note: Does not apply to those who haven’t received the ordinances of the LDS temple. Sorry, Mother Teresa.)

Elias: The Greek form of Elijah used in the New Testament. Joseph Smith taught that Elias was not Elijah but a different prophet who “apparently lived in the days of Abraham.” This teaching has nothing to do with Joseph’s ignorance of Greek. He later explained that Elias was not a name but a descriptive title meaning “forerunner” or “restorer.” This teaching has nothing to do with Joseph having recently studied Greek.

Elijah: The Hebrew form of Elias. Elijah is not a title but refers to a specific Old Testament prophet who appeared in the Kirtland temple and restored the power to seal men and (multiple) women together eternally, though slightly too late to cover for Joseph Smith’s relationship with Fanny Alger.

Elohim: The given name of God, meaning “God.” Elohim lived a mortal life on another planet and then was exalted. He now resides on a planet near Kolob with his wives, with whom he begat us spiritually. He was the literal Father of Jesus; Mary’s conception was, according to some prophets and apostles, performed by natural means, such as possibly through artificial insemination.

End of the World: A joyous day that all believers look forward to with great anticipation, when sinners will be destroyed and the earth burned by intense fire.

Endless: One of God’s names. Not to be confused with eternal or unchanging.

Endowment: A ceremony in the LDS temple in which patrons make covenants and learn signs and tokens that are in no way related to the same signs and tokens used in Freemasonry.  This ceremony is sacred, not secret, and is accompanied by an obligation of secrecy. As Jeffrey Holland explained, “We do not have penalties in the temple. … We used to.” These penalties are also in no way related to Freemasonry or the aforementioned obligation of secrecy.

Endure: To keep the commandments with exactness until the end of one’s mortal life. After one has expended his or her own best efforts, Jesus grants his grace so that they might be saved, but not a minute before.

Enmity: A word meaning “antagonism.” Satan, for example, uses his enmity to “take the treasure of the earth, and with gold and silver … buy up armies and navies, Popes and priests, and reign with blood and horror on the earth!” (Note: The part about Popes and priests has been discontinued; please forget it ever happened.)

Enoch: A prophet so righteous that he and his entire city were taken up into heaven without tasting of death. This does not suggest, however, that he was as righteous as Joseph Smith.

Enos: A Book of Mormon prophet known for spending all day in prayer and for quoting Paul almost 500 years before Paul was born.

Ensign: An official magazine of the LDS church, containing counsel from leaders and sanitized accounts of “faithful history” and cheerful testimony of how happy Mormons are. Often contain such nuggets of wisdom as the call to pay tithing, even if it means you have no money for your family’s food. Known for an artistic aesthetic and layout slightly better than those of Watchtower publications.

Envy: What the world feels toward us.

Equality: The teaching that God loves all of His children and wants them to be happy and fulfill the measure of their creation, unless of course they’re gay.

Esaias: The Greek form of Isaiah. Joseph Smith also taught that Esaias was a prophet who lived in the time of  Abraham (D&C 84:13). This teaching has nothing to do with Joseph Smith’s ignorance of Greek at the time. See also Elias.

Eternal Life: Living together as (polygamous) families in the celestial kingdom, where we will be busy creating worlds and procreating to populate those worlds with our spirit children. This teaching should not be shared with news media.

Evil Speaking of the Lord’s Anointed: A grievous sin involving any criticism of church leaders, even if such criticism is true.

Exaltation: The highest degree of the celestial kingdom. Available to black people since 1978. See also Celestial Kingdom.

Excommunication: A punishment involving being cut off from the LDS church. Effective only for those people who care.

Extermination Order: When armed Mormons attacked a unit of the Missouri state militia, Governor Lilburn Boggs mistakenly and without any justification whatsoever concluded that the Mormons were in a state of rebellion; in a major overreaction, he declared that the Mormons should be driven from the state “or exterminated.” The law stood in effect until 1976, when Missouri’s governor rescinded the order and Mormons could freely enter Missouri without being summarily executed.

Ezekiel: Old Testament prophet who, unbeknownst to most Christians, clearly prophesied about the coming forth of the Book of Mormon.

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5 Responses to Concise Dictionary of Mormonism: E

  1. pollypinks says:

    Ezekiel: The name of my oldest, ugliest, meanest, dirtiest cat ever to walk the face of this planet. He takes no prisoners, including the neighbor’s rottweiler.

  2. When do we get the rest of the alphabet? Those were hysterical! I love your humor.

  3. […]  2 Comments |  Bible, Book of Mormon, Books, Brigham Young University, BYU, Christianity, Ex-Mormon, Joseph Smith, Mormon, Mormonism,Polygamy, Religion |  Permalink  Posted by runtu […]

  4. […] B C D E F G H I J K L M (part 1) M (part 2) N […]

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