Magazines: 1) Wholesome and uplifting sources of God’s truth, as published by the church. 2) A tool of Satan used to corrupt the minds and hearts of young men and women.
Magic: Sorcery or sleight of hand tricks that are wholly unrelated to spiritual gifts, such as the use of divining rods and peepstones.
Magnifying One’s Calling: A conscious decision, approved of the Lord, to put your church responsibilities ahead of your family.
Man’s Search for Happiness: A film masterpiece originally produced for the 1964 World’s Fair that, as the Encyclopedia of Mormonism notes, “is less than fifteen minutes long, yet explores every man’s search for meaning in life: the whence, the why, and the whither.” Not to be confused with Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning,” which is kind of a downer.
Manifesto: 1) The 1890 statement by the church that plural marriages would no longer be authorized or performed. 2) The 1904 statement by the church that this time they really meant it.
Mankind: The children of Adam and Eve, our literal first parents, unless you believe in Evolution, which is a devilish and false teaching that is wholly incompatible with the gospel, but the church has no position on it, so … oh, never mind.
Manuscript, Lost 116 Pages: First transcript of Book of Mormon translations, covering the Book of Lehi. Lost by Martin Harris and said to have been burned by his wife, the pages were not retranslated because of the wicked designs of conspiring men and not because Joseph couldn’t remember what he’d dictated.
Marriage: 1) The union of one man and one woman as ordained of God. 2) The union of one man and multiple women, as ordained of God. 3) The union of more than one woman with Joseph Smith and her “other” husband.
Martyrdom of Joseph and Hyrum Smith: see Carthage Jail.
Mary, Mother of Jesus: Overshadowed by the Holy Spirit, Mary became pregnant with Jesus, who was the Son of God. (Note: Brigham Young and Bruce McConkie explained that “overshadowed by the Holy Spirit” refers to having had sex with God.)
Masochism: Sitting through all ten hours of general conference.
Masonry: A secret society with origins among medieval builders’ guilds in Europe. Its tokens, signs, penalties, oaths, and symbols (such as the compass and square) are completely unrelated to the tokens, signs, penalties, and symbols (such as the compass and square) of the LDS endowment.
Masturbation: A grievous sin condemned by “prophets anciently and today [that] induces feelings of guilt and shame, … is detrimental to spirituality, [and] indicates slavery to the flesh. … No young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality” (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness). Statistics bear this out. Recent studies have shown that over 99% of men masturbate, so it is a fact that 99% of gay men have masturbated. Boyd K. Packer has clearly defined masturbation in no uncertain terms, explaining that our sex drive is like a “little factory” that produces a “lifegiving substance.” Tampering with the factory speeds up the process of creating the lifegiving substance. “You must leave that factory alone long enough for it to slow down.” Although masturbation is a regular topic of priesthood interviews of Aaronic Priesthood-age boys, missionaries, and even married males, the only people obsessed with this sin are apostates, probably because they tampered with their little factories.
Matter: Uncreated materials used by God to create the universe. Refined matter is known as “spirit.” What the difference is between matter and refined matter is anyone’s guess.
McKay, David O.: Ninth president of the LDS church. A career educator, McKay became known throughout the world as the principle script advisor for Cecil B. DeMille’s “The Ten Commandments” and as a friend and confidante of Lyndon Johnson, who reportedly said, “Damn, McKay, that’s one hell of a good gig you got there.”
Meat: A food to be eaten sparingly and in times of famine. Just kidding.
Meetinghouse: A building dedicated to religious observances, such as sacrament meetings, basketball games, and pinewood derbies.
Meetings, Major Church: Gatherings of church members for their edification and instruction. Larger church meetings, such as general conference, are televised so that members can sleep in the comfort of their own homes.
Melchizedek Priesthood: The authority to preside in the church and administer the higher ordinances of the church. The priesthood is organized just as it was in Jesus’ time. Consequently, the church was governed by high priest councils until 1834, and then in 1835 the First Presidency was organized and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was added. The addition of the office of Seventy completed the organization of the priesthood, though God took the next 150 years to tweak the organization, organizing, dropping, redefining, and reassigning the Seventies until He got it perfect sometime in the 1990s.
Membership Records: Meticulously kept records of every ordinance, church disclipinary action, and deaths for a particular member. (Note: “Member” refers to anyone who has ever been born to a church member or was baptized so they could play baseball, including unreported dead. Knowledge of one’s membership is not required.)
Men, Roles of: Men are to emulate the Savior and preside in their homes. as well as officiating in the ordinances of the priesthood. True masculinity is exemplified through white shirts and ties and lack of facial hair.
Mental Health: The restored gospel has great effects on the mental health of church members. Any evidence of positive mental-health benefits can be directly tied to the church, whereas anything negative, such as depression and suicide, is completely unrelated.
Mercy: A godly quality that cannot be given freely unless someone gets punished.
Mercy Killing: Ending stake conference ten minutes early.
Messenger and Advocate: An official publication of the church between 1834 and 1837 intended to proclaim church doctrine. (Note: The Messenge and Advocatet is no longer considered official or doctrinal.)
Michael: The name of Adam in his premortal life, Michael helped Jehovah create the earth. A native of Missouri, Michael will be making a special appearance with Jesus, followed by a six-week booking at the Osmond theater in Branson.
Millenarianism: The belief that the Second Coming of Christ and the Millennium are imminent, these being the last days, at least until an apostle tells us it won’t be happening anytime soon. Thanks, President Packer!
Millennium: The last 1000 years of the earth’s 7000-year temporal existence, the Millennium can be seen as the Sabbath coming after the long week of mortal earth. Satan will be bound, and the righteous will come forth in the first resurrection before the start of the Millennium. Just like a normal Sabbath, the Millennium will be a busy time of getting kids ready for church and attending meetings, lots of meetings. This will also be the time to correct all the mistakes in the church’s genealogy records.
Minorities: Broadly refers to anyone who isn’t a white American. According to the Book of Mormon, God invites “all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God” (2 Ne. 26:33). Because all are alike, church members are counseled to “marry those who are of the same racial background” (Aaronic Priesthood Manual 3).
Miracle: A beneficial event brought about by divine intervention, such as finding lost keys or surviving a handcart expedition despite the poor judgment and planning of leaders. Miracles occur because of the faith of the recipient, unless the miracle isn’t granted, in which case it is God’s will.
Miracle of Forgiveness: A 1969 book by then-apostle Spencer W. Kimball outlining various sins and the imperative to “triumph” over them all. The book explains that when Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light, he meant that forgiveness comes only after strenuous effort and a lot of pain and suffering. The book focuses in part on sexual sins, whether petting, the more-grievous heavy petting, and the gateway to homosexuality, masturbation.
Missions: A commitment to spend 18 months to 2 years full-time preaching the gospel, developing welfare projects, serving as tour guides at church historical sites, or operating game-hunting reserves for wealthy clients.
Mission President: A man who is chosen to preside over missionaries in a geographical area. Typically mission presidents are high priests who have shown their faithfulness through church service and success in their business or professional life.
Missionary Training Centers: Church-operated centers in various locations around the world in which missionaries are taught to preach the gospel using the “commitment pattern,” avoid difficult questions by answering the questions their investigators should have asked, and repent of any unresolved sin they might be carrying, lest they not have the spirit.