Missouri: See Garden of Eden.
Missouri Conflict: In the 1830s, members of the LDS church began settling in Missouri, which Joseph Smith had designated to be the site where the New Jerusalem would be built in preparation for the Second Coming of Christ. Without warning and completely unprovoked, the Missourians began killing, raping, and pillaging their way through peaceful Mormon communities. Despite attempts by some anti-Mormons to explain that the conflict was complex, with blame on both sides, it is clear that the Missourians simply decided to follow Satan and try to destroy God’s true church.
Modesty: Generally, modest dress is that covers the parts of the body covered by temple garments. The sight of naked shoulders and midriffs is enough to drive otherwise stalwart priesthood holders to tamper with their little factories, endangering their souls and possibly driving them toward homosexuality,
Mormon: A derogatory nickname for church members deriving from their belief in the Book of Mormon. The church prefers that press reports refer to “members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,” except when the church wants to use the term, such as in the “I Am a Mormon” ad campaign.
Mormon Battalion: As church members traveled west toward Utah, the US government asked them for volunteers to travel to California to fight in the Mexican-American War. The battalion was a great blessing to the church, providing needed money and allowing women and children to make their way across the plains alone.
Mormon Handicraft: A division of Deseret Book where you can buy kitschy Mormon crap that you can’t get at Deseret Book.
Mormon Tabernacle Choir: An American institution, the choir continues to make itself relevant by butchering “Negro spirituals” and bad pop songs. A long-running television program highlights the few token “minority” members of the choir.
Mormonism: A broad term referring to any branch of restorationist religion that considers Joseph Smith a prophet and values his writings as scripture. Does not refer to apostate polygamist sects, who are in no way associated with Mormonism, especially not to the LDS church.
Mormons, Image of: 1) The view among church members that Mormons are a respected, influential group looked up to as an example of all that is good in the world. 2) The view among non-LDS that Mormons are a small, insular group who believe in some strange things, such as sacred underwear and the obvious appeal of Mitt Romney. (Note: this assumes that non-LDS know anything about Mormons, which is not a given.)
Moroni: The last writer of the Book of Mormon who retrieved his father’s plates from the hill Cumorah (in Central America) and then wandered for many years before burying the plates in the hill Cumorah (in New York). Moroni–or maybe it was Nephi–returned as a resurrected being to Joseph Smith and showed him where the plates were buried. Little-known fact: Moroni, not being sure which hill he left the plates in, appeared to fourteen-year-oldJose Saavedra in Quezaltenango, telling him he had been chosen to translate the Book of Mormon into Spanish and restore God’s true church. Informed of his error when he “returned and reported,” a sheepish Moroni returned to Jose, saying, “I should have known. I was looking for a white guy!”
Moroni, Captain: A man inspired of God to lead the Nephites against the wicked king-men. He rent his clothing and hoisted the “title of liberty” encouraging the people to follow him in fighting wickedness. He was so inspired that he initially took up arms against the chief judge, whom he accused of being a slacker.
Moses: A chosen prophet who led his people out of bondage in Egypt, though a few masochists stayed behind because they liked it. Modern revelation tells us that the ancient prophet Joseph knew of Moses by name; and being the sole author of the five books of Moses, Moses was sure to include this prophecy of himself.
Mosiah: Son of King Benjamin, he decried monarchy and set up a system of judges. Concerned about a group who had gone to the land of Nephi, Mosiah sent an expedition, which discovered the people of Zeniff. Remarkably, the record of the people of Zeniff is essentially the story of the Nephites and Lamanites in condensed form. This Book of Mormon redux is foreshadowed in the record of the Jaredites.
Mosiah, Sons of: Wicked sons of King Mosiah, these young men went from city to city, preaching against the true church of Christ, much as the Apostle Paul did as recorded in the New Testament. Also like Paul, they were visited by a heavenly being and converted to the truth, after which they traveled preaching the word in a Paulesque manner. (Note: This story bears only superficial resemblance to the story of the Apostle Paul. If anything, Paul was a knockoff of the sons of Mosiah.)
Mother in Heaven: In the nineteenth century, revered as equal to “Father God.” In the twentieth century, Mother in Heaven became so revered that any mention of her beyond “O My Father” could result in one’s excommunication.
Motherhood: The ultimate destiny of all women, motherhood is a great gift provided as a relief from the responsibilities of leading the family and holding the priesthood.
Mountain Meadows Massacre: An unfortunate tragedy that is so poorly understood that no one is to be blamed, and no one will take responsibility, especially not the LDS church. The tragedy may be understood as an event where church members interacted with an emigrant wagon train from Arkansas; mysteriously, 120 people died violent deaths, and children under the age of 8 who survived were charitably brought into Mormon homes. As President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “No one can explain what happened in these meadows. …. We may speculate, but we do not know. We do not understand it. We cannot comprehend it. We can only say that the past is long since gone.” Given the complete lack of information about how this confusing event unfolded, the LDS church cannot apologize for something it isn’t sure it’s responsible for. “We don’t use the word ‘apology,’” a church spokesman said. “We used ‘profound regret.’”
Murder: To take the life of an innocent or defenseless person. (Note: Does not apply if an angel orders you to kill, unless of course your name is Lafferty.)
Music: If restricted to Correlation-approved hymns, music can be an uplifting part of worshiping God. (Not to be confused with popular music, which is designed to arouse the senses and get people to tamper with their little factories to speed up the production of lifegiving substance.)
Mysteries of God: Doctrines revealed through endlessly repeating the same rote ordinances in the temple.