Recently the LDS church has seen a major increase in the number of Swedish Mormons leaving the church. The church has responded with a program they call The Swedish Rescue. If it doesn’t work, they have other options:
10. Have a massive clearance sale at City Creek just for Swedes.
9. Purchase SAAB’s assets and give every member a new car for every year they attend meetings and pay tithing.
8. Tell them that masturbation is no longer sin, and hopefully they’ll be so distracted they won’t notice the truth.
7. Send special “minder” couple missionaries to watch over them and make sure they aren’t exposed to “unworthy” information.
6. Reintroduce blood atonement.
5. Install special software on members’ computers so that whenever they try to access critical web sites, Richard G. Scott appears on the screen, staring soulfully and saying, “I plead with you not to do this.”
4. Provide free membership to Dieter Uchtdorf’s tanning salon.
3. Two words: Reparative Therapy.
2. Give members a choice between attending church or being forced to read “Thomas Monson: To the Rescue” over and over.
1. Teach the truth about the church’s history and truth claims. Oh, wait, what was I thinking?