A lifetime ago …

Today I was standing across the street from the Provo LDS temple, watching a group of MTC missionaries heading up for a session, and I thought of the snowy day in 1983 when I trudged up the hill carrying a paper bag of garments on my way to the temple for the first time. I felt an overwhelming sadness for the loss of the innocent, believing young boy I once was, because I know that part of me will never return.

I guess I’m at the point in my life at which arguing about the church and who is right just makes me sad. Mormonism will always be part of every day of my life, but sometimes, like today, it hits me how much my life has changed. The change has been good in many ways, but it is still painful. I have no idea why I needed to share that.

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7 Responses to A lifetime ago …

  1. We’ve all been there. It can be such a trade-off sometime – having to deal with the fall-out of leaving, the loss of community, the loss of innocence. And although I am happier now, it is a bittersweet sort of happiness.

    Keep writing – you articulate what many of us are going through.

  2. FireMountain says:

    Thank you for that post. It has been 15 years since I withdrew my membership, but the sorrow and anger of loss of what once was so dear still lingers. Lost innocence, lost trust.
    I struggle to understand how thinking people can continue to stay in and even defend an institution, a “church” in name only, which long ago quit caring about them as individuals. Perhaps it is all those years of being lied to and learning how to lie which inhibits their ability to discern. Maybe it is Stockholm Syndrome.
    I could not go to the Joanna Brooks event tonight at Sam Wellers because of such thoughts. I was afraid that I could not behave myself while listening to “Mormon intellectual” apologists.

  3. cl2 says:

    As the others have said–keep writing. You put into words what others of us feel.

  4. Ray Agostini says:

    “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck.

    Every brickbat that hit me throughout life – only made me stronger. You only have one life – and there’s no point looking at it in reverse, or “what might have been”. A continuing belief in God is necessary to properly interpret what we experience. When that is gone, we hang on to the past almost in despair, as if God will lose interest in us, and our divine destiny, because we could no longer agree and adhere to “creeds” and “traditions”. When one door closes – another opens, and thus, even when “un-churched”, I feel like everyday is a new beginning, and that all I’ve experienced “shall be for thy good”.

  5. […] a lot of interesting personal stories this past week, including memories of passing the sacrament and attending the temple. Poignant tales of loss — and a close call. Falling out of love and trying to relate. […]

  6. Lauriston says:

    That has been getting me back either from February 2003 when I got to the temple for the first time, inside the provo temple. IT’S BEEN a great experience for an innocent young boy over 22 years old. But I am not allowed myself to be sad, in spite of being sad I laugh to myself. This is what every one should do and get going. Something is to be remembered but it’s not really the essential. Some memories are to be killed to keep life going. Never mind!

  7. GBSmith says:

    Nobody likes to be cut adrift but once you reach land, it gets better. Not like before but better.

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