Top Ten New Revelations

According to blogger DenverSnuffer, apostle Russell Nelson has told several stake presidents that there will be a major revelation announced at general conference next week.  As the blogger put it, “President Thomas M. Monson has received a revelation that will affect every man, woman, and child in the church.”

If true, this could be big news. Of course, rumors of new revelations crop up every few conferences, and nothing much happens. That said, at the request of a good friend, I have inquired of my sources and have been given a list of recent revelations. Perhaps one of these may be announced in conference:

10.  And again, Fry Sauce is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is a blight on the land and to be used in the destruction of thine enemies with judgment and skill.

9. The righteous in Utah County will all be lifted up to heaven–both of them.

8. But this generation shall have my word through press releases from the Public Affairs department.

7. He may be a dodo, after all.

6. CTR rings to be replaced by LGS (Let’s go shopping!) rings, available exclusively at City Creek mall.

5. New Church Historian: Brandon Flowers.

4. The sun borrows its light from Dieter Uchtdorf’s tan.

3. The anti-Christ is a mild-mannered blogger who lives in Provo, Utah.

2. BYU really did lose last week because you tampered with your “little factory.”

1. God is voting for Obama.

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7 Responses to Top Ten New Revelations

  1. Jong1064 says:

    Number 5 is my favorite! That was hilarious and spot on!

  2. jeanikins says:

    I love them all but especially number 3 my mild mannered friend:)

    I do hope the revelation will be the one allowing members to choose who, when, where they marry, so that no more good people will have to miss their loved ones’ weddings in LDS temples.

    I can dream can’t I?

  3. pollypinks says:

    Homosexuals holding church positions?

  4. Heather says:

    Love them all!

    I think it’s just a ploy to get members to watch. What are the ratings of GC anyway? I’d say people aren’t watching as much, or are just watching parts and pieces.

    The biggest revelation when I was growing up was no double ear piercings. Talk about earth shattering headlining news! 😉

  5. […] gossiping about you.) Also, there’s a rumor of a new revelation to be announced, and some speculation as to what it might be!! Well, whatever it is, it probably won’t be “official […]

  6. Head of Shiz says:

    It is merely a sunday school revamping that they will tout as a major change. It is merely a stripped down lesson manual putting more responsibility on the instructor to prepare. Perhaps less correlated as a result. I’ve been in one of the wards where they have been testing out a pilot program. So apparently revelation comes from careful market testing. At any rate it actually does make for better lessons. Not 100% sure if this is the amazing revelation but I’m willing to bet on it.

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