Romney’s Plan Revealed

A source in the Romney campaign today leaked an internal memo, entitled “Solutions Statement” designed to outline in broad terms a Romney administration’s approach to the nation’s problems. The source, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that voters do not yet understand Romney’s exciting vision for the future, but he hoped this document would help.

1. Unemployment: Each week we see more applications for unemployment benefits, and this cannot continue. A Romney administration would eliminate all unemployment benefits effective January 20, 2013, which would have the dual benefit of reducing dependency on the government and allow us to save the money previously spent tracking and paying for unemployment.

2. Deficit: We are spending too much money, and though the sequestration agreed upon in Congress is a step in the right direction, it comes at too high a price in decreased national security; currently, the sequestration would require cuts of $109 billion a year, divided evenly between defense and entitlements. A Romney administration would not accept such a drastic cut to our military, which would place all Americans in danger. Rather, we propose making 100% of the cuts to entitlements. We cannot allow our fiscal, economic, and military security to be held hostage by the greed and selfishness of people who feel they are “entitled” to other people’s money.

3. Education: Each year the federal government gives billions in grants and guaranteed loans to help families pay for college. The average student today graduates with more than $26,000 in debt, but 50% of graduates cannot find work, and many more are underemployed. This calamitous situation must be remedied. The Romney Student-Debt Elimination and Job Recovery Act would immediately cease all grant and loan programs, which would at a stroke reduce wasteful government spending and keep millions of young Americans out of the bondage of debt. Rather than working jobs they are overqualified for, young people would be better prepared to move into today’s job market. College graduates shouldn’t have to work minimum-wage jobs, so this program will reduce the number of graduates, reducing the unemployment rate for graduates.

4. Food Stamps: This misnamed program essentially puts a free gift card in the hands of people who haven’t earned it, so they can buy extravagant meals of caviar and Kobe beef. Ending this program immediately would encourage millions of Americans to take responsibility for themselves and learn to live on a budget within their means, just like everyone else. Lest food-stamp recipients feel unfairly singled out, the WIC program will also be phased out.

5. Same-Sex Marriage: Marriage is a sacred institution that has been unchanged in thousands of years of human history; it has always been between a man and a woman. except when it has been between a man and more than one woman. Governor Romney strongly believes that we do not need new laws about marriage, but that we need to enforce existing laws against sodomy and cohabitation.

6. Taxes: Governor Romney is concerned that too many Americans are not paying their fair share of the tax burden. Nearly 98% of federal income taxes are paid by the top 50% of income earners, while the bottom 50% pays slightly more than 2% of the total. This grievous inequity, besides being inherently unfair, has led to a situation in which half of Americans do not feel invested in their government and are more likely to shirk their responsibilities as voters and citizens to participate in our republican democracy. A Romney administration would broaden the tax burden by adjusting the tax code so that the bottom 50% pays a fair share: 50% of the total. This can be accomplished by reducing marginal rates above the $250,000 income level and eliminating deductions such as education and mortgage deductions, as well as eliminating the Earned Income Credit and the Child Tax Credit.

7. Abortion: Governor Romney opposes abortion, except in cases of rape, incest, or a threat to the mother’s life. With that in mind, he is proposing a new sub-cabinet-level board that will meet quarterly to approve applications for abortions. Congressman Todd Akin has agreed to head a task force to determine the makeup of the board, as well as its procedures, in order to ensure that requests are processed in a way that safeguards the lives of the unborn.

8. Foreign Policy: Around the world, millions are caught up in violent conflicts, from Colombia to Syria to Somalia. Governor Romney believes that the United States cannot be the world’s “policeman,” but should focus on protecting and defending our own states. With that in mind, Governor Romney proposes sending peace delegations to these regional hot spots to invite these countries to apply for statehood. These delegations will be accompanied by a sufficient armed force to protect them, which will of course require securing peace and law and order in each prospective state.

9. Media: Governor Romney believes in a free and unfettered media, which is why he will implement “fairness and standards” boards. These panels will seek to expand the boundaries of free speech by defining those boundaries strictly. A Romney administration will discourage pornography, inflammatory political speech, and violence in the media. By contrast, the administration will encourage the portrayal of wholesome values in the media, as well as promoting satire, such as this list.


2 Responses to Romney’s Plan Revealed

  1. pollypinks says:

    What about all the billion dollar corporations who don’t pay taxes? Romney won’t touch them, I’ll betcha. And the notion of taking away from the poor isn’t anything new. Reagan hated the poor as well, and left us nearly quadrupled in national debt. And the abortion debate? Sickening. Absolutely sickening, and give it a few years, if this jerk is elected, and people will be taking to the streets like they do in other countries. This man makes me want to puke, and his own book of mormon speaks highly of social justice in the book of mosiah. Where’s he getting his ideas from?

  2. […] women.” Other related topics include Romney’s polygamous heritage, his job experience, his ideas, his math, and his surprising similarity with Jean-Claude Van Damme. (And a tangential joke.) […]

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