The increasingly hilarious exchange between Baylor History Professor Philip Jenkins and BYU Professor William Hamblin reminded me of something I wrote a number of years ago. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I was able to find it. Hope you enjoy it.
FARMS and Fast Food
Although Daniel Midgley-Welch is well-known in apologetic circles, most people are unaware of his prior career as cashier/fry cook in a local Burger King. Our researchers have transcribed the audio from a surviving security video to give an exciting glimpse of his young mind at work.
DMW: Welcome to Burger King. May I help you?
Patron: Uh, I’m not sure what I want. I’ve never been here before.
DMW: Just take your time. Look over the menu, study it out, and perhaps pray for guidance.
DMW: Oh, never mind. We have a lot to choose from.
Patron: What’s this Big King sandwich?
DMW: It’s two beef patties, our secret sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.
Patron: Sounds just like a Big Mac.
DMW: Clearly you’re not familiar with the work of Corey Pants, who showed in his survey that the Big King cannot be derived from a Big Mac. No, it has its roots in an ancient Sumerian sandwich, which not coincidentally used the same sort of wrapper we use. Of course, it was made of papyrus. Really, you should keep up with the research.
Patron: What about the BK Fish Sandwich? Is that like a filet o’ fish?
DMW: Look, you don’t need to get belligerent. That question was answered in the 1960s by our respected ichthyologist, Drew Squibley. Don’t even bring up the filet o’ fish until you’ve read Squibley. It makes you look foolish.
Patron: Look, I just want something to eat. What do you recommend?
DMW: I’m not going to do your research for you. If you want me to give you a list of articles, fine. But I don’t have time to bring you up to speed if you’re not willing to put in minimal effort.
Patron: Are your fries any good? I heard you changed your recipe back in the 90s.
DMW: That’s an anti-Burger King lie. They have never changed. Our fries are unlike any others in the world.
Patron: They’re just fried potatoes, like everyone else’s.
DMW: Silly boy. We invented fries.
Patron: That’s ridiculous. If Burger King invented fries, I’d like to see some conclusive evidence for that.
DMW: What kind of evidence are you looking for?
Patron: I don’t know. Wrappers, something in print, anything that mentions Burger King as inventing the fry.
DMW: You are so ignorant, aren’t you? Why would you expect that kind of evidence?
Patron: Well, if a large corporation had developed such a product a long time ago, you’d expect it to leave some trace of its actual occurrence.
DMW: Obviously, you’ve never heard of the Limited Potato Theory. Burger King in those days did not start within a vacuum. There were thousands of other fast-food businesses surrounding it, and it was merely absorbed into the larger economy. In fact, Burger King was so good at hiding its impact, that we really have no evidence that it even existed, but we know it did; otherwise, how do you explain the existence of french fries? Did Burger King just make a good guess?
Patron: Can’t I just get something to eat? I just want to know what you have that’s good.
DMW: Jeez, you’re a real fundamentalist. Really, how do you expect anyone to take you seriously if you use such outdated Enlightenment terminology, such as “good”? You’re never going to survive unless you take a more postmodern approach to the world.
Patron: I think I’m going to go over to In-N-Out instead.
DMW: Oh, sure. Ignore the evidence. Just stick your head in the sand and cling to your predetermined beliefs.
Manager: Did we lose another customer?
DMW: Yeah, boss. For some reason, people don’t seem to be interested in the truth.