The Trump Diaries

[Authenticity has not been verified–Ed.]

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Slept in a little today but had enough time to look at the polls over something called a Western Omelet. I never had one until I was in that greasy spoon in Colorado. So good I had my personal chef get the recipe.

Polls looking good: I’m ahead in Iowa, New Hampshire, Florida (against their loser ex-governor and senator). I tell ya, something’s happening out there. It’s big. It’s huge.

M. left for QVC at 9:00, but not before complaining again that I haven’t nailed down our vacation plans for this year. Like I keep telling her, specifics are coming. Just not yet. Noticed some of the gold has flaked off the breakfast table. Need to get the gilders in.

Got stuck in traffic on the way to the office. I tell ya, that’s not going to happen anymore once I’m in. Traffic stops for me, not for you. Traffic jams are for losers.

Met with this guy from the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. What the hell does that even mean? Since when do murderers and rapists have their own chamber of commerce? But Corey and Mike said I had to talk to this guy, Pedro or Jose something like that, because some people are upset that I’m taking a stand against illegal immigration. Yeah, like that prick from Telemexico or whatever it’s called. I put that guy in his smug little Mexican place.

So I had Juan or Pablo or whoever over to talk, you know, mano y mano. Guy looked like Cesar Romero, swear to God. He starts in on me about how building a border wall is racist. I said I didn’t hear him whining about the Great Wall of China. The Chinese built a wall 5,000 miles long, and mine’s not even going to be half that long. Who does he think we’re gonna get to build the damn thing? Exactly. Legal immigrants and people who deserve to be in this country. He said he didn’t like my plan to get rid of all the illegals. I think maybe he’s afraid I’m gonna deport him. Do we even know his immigration status? I’ll have one of the interns check.

But I decided to play nice, give him a healthy dose of the old Trump charm. Didn’t even interrupt him once, but then I wasn’t paying too much attention. Guy had the nerve to say that deporting illegals would hurt our construction, agriculture, and hospitality industries. Yeah, like we can’t get any real Americans to do that kind of work. I told him that everyone who works for The Trump Organization works for us legally, even the ones that originally came to this country illegally.

After 90 minutes of that nonsense, I told him I had important business to do, but I was hoping for his vote. He said he’d consider it, though I swear he said something in Spanish under his breath, something like Hee-Oh de pooter. I’ll get one of the maids to tell me what it means.

Lunch with Ann Coulter. My kind of woman: tough and smart and blonde. She’d be a real looker if she dropped 20 pounds and had a little work done. Still, she’s a sweet gal, and those shoulder blades! Asked her what she meant when she said she’d be OK with me performing abortions in the White House. She assured me she wasn’t talking about herself, specifically.

Spent an hour or so turning down millions of dollars people keep offering me. I told ’em to donate to the PACs. Lots of PACs starting up to support me. I don’t know any of these people, but if I don’t have to pay for it, I’m good.

Corey said it was time to start talking about our campaign platform. I hate to nail myself down to so many specifics, but maybe he’s right. So, here are our detailed policy positions:

1. Build a freaking wall to keep out the rapists and murderers.
2. Illegal immigrants are gonna be gone so fast.
3. Solve gun violence by focusing on the mentally ill. Find out who they are and do something about it.
4. Rebuild our infrastructure by not giving weapons to countries who don’t like us.
5. Veterans are going to be taken care of.
6. My tax plan: Who knows more about taxes than me? Lower taxes, hedge-fund guys gotta pay their fair share.
7. No one cares more about women’s health than me.
8. Be a champion and a winner. People wanna see victory. They’re gonna see so many victories they’ll get tired of them.
9. Leave Tom Brady alone!

And that’s just in my first 100 days!

M. is asleep, and I’m about to turn in. One of the butlers just came in to take away the dishes, and I swear to God he looked just like that guy from the Mexican chamber of commerce, only better hair.


One Response to The Trump Diaries

  1. jiminpanama says:

    Be fun calling him Mr Presidente. Asshat

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