Top Ten Reasons the Mormon Church Opposes Medical Marijuana

10. They are concerned about the unintended consequences of legalized marijuana, which would be avoided with safe, legal drugs like oxycontin and vicodin.

9. Conference might actually be interesting if everyone were high.

8. Herbs shouldn’t be used for medicinal purposes, unless they’re in unregulated supplements, sold through multilevel marketing, or used for bruises and sick cattle.

7. Technically, it’s not opposing if it’s done out of the public view.

6. After Melaleuca, Tahitian Noni, Neways, NuSkin, USANA, and doTerra, the last thing Mormons need is another pyramid scheme.

5. The church knows hotels, cattle ranches, and big-game reserves, not grow houses.

4. The church wouldn’t want to tarnish its positive public image as egregiously anti-gay with a history of polygamy and racism.

3. They got out of the vice business when they sold off their brothels.

2. Saturday is a special day, it’s the day we get ready for Sunday–unless you’re baked.

1. More money spent on weed means less money for tithing.

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13 Responses to Top Ten Reasons the Mormon Church Opposes Medical Marijuana

  1. Mike Clark says:

    You think you’re so funny, John, but what you’ve become is more along the lines of predictable. I almost don’t have to read your blog any more to know what it says.

  2. Jean Bodie says:

    Runtu, that was really amusing irony; especially, “10. They are concerned about the unintended consequences of legalized marijuana, which would be avoided with safe, legal drugs like oxycontin and vicodin.”
    I believe you must have overlooked
    11. Cannabis has been known to broaden the mind and outlook of a user – the Church would have more doubting and contemplative members rather than faithful ones.
    12. While the English think a ‘cuppa tea’ solves everything – it is still harmful and addictive and members using the evil brew will be subject to church discipline.
    13. We were thinking of modifying the Word of Wisdom anyhow to include the use of legally obtained drugs.
    14. Cannabis will never be legal in Utah.

    • Jewelfox says:

      I wouldn’t be too sure about cannabis causing doubts! Just imagine the weird, postmodern non-explanations of temple symbolism and mormon church history, that you’d get from members who are high as a kite.

      I mean, they’d be even weirder and less grounded in reality than before!

  3. Moroni Kimball says:

    Mike has lost his sense of humor. Perhaps is we pray and fast enough the Holy ghost (tm lds reserve) will help him find it.

    Another home run Runtu.

  4. CAB says:

    Hilarious! And sad.

    Their “unintended consequences” rationale annoys the hell out of me. Were they concerned about the “unintended consequences” of multiple suicides of LGBTQ youth following the “policy,” which miraculously morphed into a “revelation”?

    “We will see a big uptick in Gay suicides,” is the first thing I said after learning about the policy/revelation. And there have been dozens, so far. Concern for the lives of their Gay members does not seem to have even crossed their radar screen.

    And what about the many people for whom medical marijuana is literally a life-saver? How is it they can be so easily discounted?

    I did not think I could feel angrier about the church leadership, but then they manage to surprise me again.

  5. Andrew says:

    Humor aside, what’s this about brothels you say? I was laughing until I got to that point and when just thought, HUHHH??

    • Bob says:

      My thoughts as well. This church-owned brothel thing sounds intriguing. More details please.

    • CAB says:

      Andrew, it is no secret that the leaders of the church in the late 1800’s owned brothels on the west side of downtown SLC. Even when I was a kid in the 1950’s it was still known as the Red Light District. They were quite profitable business ventures.

    • David Macfarlane says:

      Yeah, I thought the same thing. Google took me to the exmormon Reddit and this: http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon363.htm

      Many will dismiss it because … well, it says exmormon in the name, but it’s kind of hard to just ignore and dismiss historical fact. Oh, wait … I forgot which organization we were talking about there for a moment. Sorry.

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