Trained for the Ministry

Many years ago when I was in graduate school, my brother-in-law’s parents invited my wife and me and my parents to a dinner party at their beachfront house in Malibu (yes, there are advantages to having money). I should note that my brother-in-law is Jewish, as is the rest of his family. My sister converted to Judaism before marrying him while I was on my mission.

Before dinner, everyone was sort of milling around on a large deck overlooking the ocean. My brother-in-law’s father, Sy, and I ended up having a length conversation about my studies and the nature of Mormon clergy. It started out something like this:

Sy: So, what exactly are you studying in your graduate program?

Me: English.

Sy: What is your specialty, your emphasis?

Me: American Literature.

Sy (looking very puzzled): American Literature? I don’t understand.

Me: I’m focusing mostly on 19th-century authors. You know, Twain, Melville, Hawthorne and so on.

Sy: But what does that have to do with religion?

Me (looking puzzled now): Nothing.

Sy: But why would they want you to study literature?

Me: Who’s “they”? I am planning to get a Ph.D. and teach. [I really was planning that at the time.]

Sy: I thought you were studying for the ministry.

Me: Even if that were possible, I have no interest in that.

What ensued was an exchange about the nature of the Mormon church’s “lay” ministry (yes, I know that doesn’t apply to the higher levels of church leadership). It turns out that, because I was on my mission when my sister got married, her husband’s family assumed that I was the family religious fanatic, and because I was attending BYU, I must be preparing for a career in the priesthood.

I expect these kinds of misconceptions from people like Sy who are almost completely unfamiliar with Mormonism, but when a national journalist makes the same kind of mistake in a supposedly well-researched book, I’m taken aback a little.

Last week the US government announced that an LDS soldier, Clinton Romesha of Cedarville, California, would receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, the nation’s highest military honor for bravery. According to the Congressional act establishing the award, a recipient must have “distinguished himself conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty.” Romesha’s actions in Afghanistan certainly merit this award, and our country owes him a debt of gratitude that a mere medal cannot express.

ABC News chief Washington correspondent Jake Tapper wrote a book, The Outpost: An Untold Story of American Valor, about the battle at Outpost Keating during which Romesha’s acts of heroism occurred. In the book, which was widely quoted in the press after the announcement of Romesha’s Medal of Honor, Tapper discusses Romesha’s Mormon background. Here’s how it was reported in Stars and Stripes, the US Army’s official news publication:

The attack on COP Keating remains one of the deadliest attacks against coalition forces in Afghanistan and is chronicled in the book “The Outpost,” by Jake Tapper. In it, Tapper writes that Romesha is the son of a leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Cedarville, Calif.

“His parents had hoped he would follow his father into the church leadership, and Romesha had in fact gone to seminary for four years during high school — from five till seven every morning — but ultimately it just wasn’t for him. He didn’t even go on a mission, a regular rite for young Mormon men. Romesha was better suited to this kind of mission, with guns and joes under his command.”

I have no doubt that Tapper included this passage for dramatic effect, as a hero who passed up his expected vocation in the ministry for military valor is a pretty great story. Be that as it may, Tapper has been either incredibly lazy or just a bit deceptive in telling Romesha’s story.

Local Mormon leaders are “called” by higher leadership to serve without pay, usually for a fairly set period of years (3 for priesthood quorum presidents, 5 for bishops, and 10 for stake presidents). They are not paid for their service and are expected to perform their church duties in addition to their regular employment and family responsibilities. Over the years my bishops have included an Emmy-award-winning sound editor, an aeronautical engineer, two dentists, a clinical psychologist, a politician, a bank president, a dean of a university, an oceanographer, a geologist, and an accountant. I have no idea what Staff Sergeant Romesha’s father does for a living, but he certainly is not a professional minister. (A 1993 article in People magazine suggests that he is a heavy-equipment operator.) So, the first strike is Tapper’s ignorance of how Mormon leadership works, at least on the local level. One does not follow one’s father into church leadership. Indeed, one does not even choose to be a leader but is asked.

Mormons have traditionally had an underlying disdain for professional clergymen. In the Book of Mormon, preaching for hire is referred to as “priestcraft” and is described as a grievous sin, one that ultimately led to Christ’s crucifixion (2 Nephi 10:5). Until 1990, the LDS temple endowment featured a sectarian minister who is employed by the devil to deceive humanity:

ADAM: I am looking for messengers.

LUCIFER: Oh, you want someone to preach to you. You want religion, do you? I will have preachers here presently.

(Lucifer turns his head as a PROTESTANT minister approaches.)

LUCIFER: Good Morning sir!

PROTESTANT MINISTER: Good morning!

(The preacher turns and looks into the camera.)

PROTESTANT MINISTER: A fine congregation!

LUCIFER: Yes, they are a very good people. They are concerned about religion. Are you a preacher?

PROTESTANT MINISTER: I am.

LUCIFER: Have you been to college and received training for the ministry?

PROTESTANT MINISTER: Certainly! A man cannot preach unless has been trained for the ministry.

LUCIFER: Do you preach the orthodox religion?

PROTESTANT MINISTER: Yes, that is what I preach.

LUCIFER: If you will preach your orthodox religion to these people, and convert them, I will pay you well.

PROTESTANT MINISTER: I will do my best.

The second issue is Tapper’s ludicrous description of LDS seminary. In other religions, a seminary is a school dedicated to formal instruction in the doctrines and procedures of the church. In Mormonism, seminary is an hour-long class held 5 days a week for high school students designed to supplement regular Sunday instruction, but it is not a pathway to assuming church leadership. In Utah and some other locations with large Mormon populations, seminary is held during school hours, with students being granted “release time” to leave the school campus to attend seminary classes. For most Mormons, however, seminary is held before school, usually in the local church, though sometimes in a church member’s home. Tapper has it as a two-hour daily affair, from 5 to 7 am (I’m not even sure zealous parents would wake their kids up that early).

I attended early morning seminary in California growing up. In my experience, both as a seminary student and a parent of seminary students, attendance at seminary is less a gauge of a young person’s religious zeal than it is a reflection of the tenacity of the parents in getting their kids to seminary. Where I grew up several kids simply spent the seminary hour sitting by the creek that ran behind the church property. Marijuana was often involved. For all I know, Staff Sergeant Romesha may have been one of those kids whose parents dragged them out of bed every morning. But that’s not as inspiring a story as a pious young man who trained for the ministry but sacrificed his plans to defend his country.

Yeah, I know, I’m nitpicking a sloppy and dramatized account, but shoddy research like this always makes me wonder what else in the book the author got wrong. A few years back I read Gerald Posner’s Case Closed, which laid out the case that Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman who killed President Kennedy and that there was no conspiracy. I’ve long believed that, and Posner’s book seemed really solid to me, until near the end of the book he described Jack Ruby’s trial being moved to Wichita Falls, Kansas. That single silly mistake made me question what else in the book was careless or less solid than presented.

So, does Tapper’s misrepresentation of Romesha’s Mormon experience–intentional or not–invalidate the rest of the book? No, not really. But I’m always surprised at how little effort authors expend in getting the background correct. Chief Washington correspondent or not, Tapper’s been a bit lazy, at least.

They can ban me, but they can’t leave me alone

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about the disbanding of the LDS Relief Society, which I thought was interesting. I noticed today that a number of people had read that piece, and that almost all of them had followed a link on  the MormonDialogue board. Curious, I went over to see what was being said.

True to form, a couple of posters decided to take the opportunity to take a few personal shots at me, and for good measure made sure everyone knew my IRL name (not that it’s a secret). One of the shots came from someone I considered a friend, so his comments stung a little. It’s true that I have long since been banned from that board, as one of the posters noted. What happened is that I posted a rather innocuous top-ten list on a different board, which was cross-posted on the MormonDialogue board. I attempted to apologize for offending anyone, which resulted in my being banned. I hadn’t been posting much there, anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. But since I can’t post there, I’ll just say a few words here.

First, do I spend “some effort finding opportunities to knock the Church”? Hardly. If I wanted to go after the LDS church, I would surely do something worse than semi-regular musings on the religion and culture. I’ve said before that, if people are happy in the LDS church, that is where they should be.

Am I “wrapped around the axle with” the church? Maybe, but it’s hard to “grow out of” something that is part of every single day of my life.  It’s impossible “let the Church be and just move along” when my family and I are immersed in Mormonism. And I am not “fixated” on Mormonism any more than I am fixated on politics, cooking, British television, or any number of things I find interesting.

And the purification ritual I “invented” was a brief musing on how nice it would be to have that part of my life be over. It’s not, and it probably never will be. So, I don’t apologize for discussing things that are, like it or not, important aspects of my life, past, present, and future.

But seriously, why do I keep coming up in a place I haven’t been anywhere near in at least four years? It’s like they’re fixated on me.

Hi, I’m Jesus, and I’m a Mormon

About Me

I grew up never knowing my real father. Sure, the man who raised me and taught me his trade (carpentry) was a good enough guy, but there was always something missing in my life. Sometimes I felt like a burden, like my parents didn’t really want me around. Once they left me at the temple and forgot all about me for a couple of days. Needless to say, I had self-esteem issues. Through my teens and twenties I let myself go spiritually and physically. I wanted to be different, so I adopted a hippie style, letting my hair and beard grow out and wearing ratty old robes and sandals. I felt like I had hit bottom when I was invited to a wedding, and it turned out they just wanted me to bring the alcohol.

Confused and lost, I left home at age 30 and went from town to town looking for meaning in my life. I thought I had found my calling teaching people about being good to each other and healing the sick. I thought I’d made friends and finally felt like I belonged, but my friends deserted me when I needed them, and I ended up alone on a cross, wondering what had happened with my life.

But then two missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints knocked on my door. I was curious about a religion that coincidentally bore my name, so I invited them in. What they taught me changed my life.

Why I’m a Mormon

Since my baptism into the LDS church, I have learned that I have a purpose in life, that my time here on earth has meaning. I’ve  cleaned myself up, trading the grunge look for a clean-cut, businesslike look. I don’t have to wander around among strangers desperately seeking validation through pathetic attempts at “charity.” Now I know that true fulfillment comes from dressing in white robes and sitting for a couple of hours to watch a film and recite oaths, signs, and tokens. I go to the temple three times a week to make up for lost time.

I’ve also become more humble. I recognize that it’s rather arrogant to presume I know more about medicine than qualified doctors, like my bishop, so I have stopped healing people just to show off. Besides, I keep very busy as my ward’s physical maintenance coordinator and as a stake public affairs representative (we are making a lot of progress towards helping people to see that we’re normal).

Some of my friends think I’m too focused on rules and “standards,” but I know that diligently reading my scriptures, paying tithing, and attending meetings has helped me become a better, more Christlike person. I am so grateful for a bishop and stake president who have the priesthood authority to declare me worthy to enter the temple. Having a temple recommend has shown me what it means to be clean and pure before God.

Someday, I hope to find a worthy eternal companion to take with me to the temple to be sealed for time and eternity. I thought I had found “the one,” but she turned out to have a problem with following the prophet. Seriously, how can you jeopardize your eternal destiny just so you can wear an extra pair of earrings?

I know that we are led today by a living prophet, who stands at the head of the corporation sole, even The Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Without his guidance, who knows what I would be doing with my life? I am grateful that he has shown us the way and the truth through bad poetry and shopping mall construction.

If you would like to find the same happiness I have, please contact the LDS church and have them send missionaries to teach you. You won’t regret it.

Shameless Holiday Reminder

I feel kind of mercenary posting this, but I just got laid off, so what the heck? I’ve been told that my book, Heaven Up Here, makes an excellent Christmas gift for people who have served LDS missions, will serve missions, or simply want to read a good book.

At less than $10, it even makes a good stocking stuffer.

OK, I’m done begging for the year. Merry Christmas!

When it rains

So, Monday morning my employers called a mandatory meeting at 9:00 for me and 79 of my colleagues. As of February 1, I will no longer be employed by my current employer. Merry Christmas.

I’ve been through this before, as the high-tech industry is notorious for a lot of turnover, so I’m not particularly stressed. More annoyed, really. I was just starting to feel like I was almost ready for Christmas, and now I’ll be spending all my free time looking for a job.

The good news is that I have two months of paid employment plus 5 weeks of severance, and my insurance is good until the end of February. Fortunately, we had time to sign up for my wife’s insurance, which she has always declined in favor of mine. Ironically, I will almost certainly receive a healthy bonus check as I leave the building because our larger division has done extremely well this year.

Needless to say, we are going to be extremely frugal over the next few months. I feel bad for the people who’ve never been through this before. There were some very stressed faces today. One guy said he’s not going to tell his wife until after Christmas so she won’t worry. Big mistake, IMO.

So, my resume is out again. I had updated it a couple of months ago because I was worried that the company was in trouble. When I took this job, my wife made me promise we wouldn’t go anywhere for 5 years, which I reached in July (I got a plaque, a lapel pin, and a fishing pole).

I think I would have been more stressed if they had just walked us out of the building, as has happened to me before. So, wish me luck. In a twisted way, it’s nice to have a dose of perspective.

 

I was thinking that most religious traditions have purification rituals. Native Americans have kivas and such, Christians have baptism and penance, and Mormons have washing and anointing that we can become washed clean from the blood and sins of this generation.

But how do we become washed clean from the blood and sins of Mormonism? I know a lot of ex-Mormons who hold residual guilt for things they said and did as Mormons. I know I have my own regrets. Maybe it’s time for a purification ritual for me. Here are some ideas:

Dusting off my feet in front of the MTC or the temple.

Making a burnt offering of old garments or books.

Sacrificing a pork shoulder to my smoker.

Treat each day as a clean slate without any Mormonism in it.

Resign.

Educated Fanatics

I’ve been reading a book about the Iranian hostage crisis of 1979, when radical Islamist students stormed the US Embassy and took 66 Americans hostage, ostensibly to demand the return of the exiled Shah, who had been admitted into the US for cancer treatment. Later the hostage-takers acknowledged that the events had nothing to do with the Americans or the Shah but were about destabilizing the moderate Bazargan government and consolidating power for radical Islamists, both of which goals were accomplished. I am not making a statement about the justification for the assault but simply reporting what the main actors have said themselves.

The hostages all say pretty much the same things about their captors: these were educated young Iranians–at least in terms of having formal study–but who viewed the world through a hopelessly naive and dogmatic prism of religious extremism. Americans thought it was ridiculous for the captors to call the embassy a “den of spies,” but the students seemed genuinely to believe that every activity in the embassy was dedicated to destroying Iran and its new regime. Every embassy employee from secretaries to Marine guards to the cultural attache was accused of being a CIA operative, and many were beaten and threatened with execution unless they confessed. The rough treatment of the hostages, including solitary confinement, long periods of being bound and blindfolded, not being able to speak to each other can mostly be explained by their captors’ fervent belief that they were dealing with evil people who were torturing Iranians and plotting to make Iran part of their empire. They couldn’t fathom that most of the embassy staff was involved in mundane activities, such as processing visa applications and running the motor pool.

One Army warrant officer jokingly said he had been in charge of a “wheat mold” program to destroy Iranian crops, and later several hostages were beaten and interrogated about this insidious attempt to ruin Iran’s economy. Another was asked about his role in the 1953 overthrow of the Mossadegh government. He replied, “I don’t know anything about it. I was ten years old at the time.” The hostage-takers were sure that they had God on their side and that the rest of the world would soon embrace their radical Islamist vision of heaven on earth. One captor rapturously predicted, “The American people will revolute!”

As I read these things, I thought of the numerous politico-religious fanatics who have crawled out from the woodwork lately, who see everything in the world as some kind of Satanically inspired effort to destroy all that is good in the world. Thus, a call to stop bullying gay children becomes an insidious plot to recruit children by homosexual pedophiles; a modest attempt at healthcare reform is the first step towards a Stalinist system of repression; adoption of any moderate or liberal social or economic policies is worthy of execution; and sending children to a Labor-party summer camp is morally equivalent to mass murder. These are some examples of extremism a friend of mine shared from a Mormon message board where I used to post.

Yes, I know most of these folks are just trolls, but some of them actually believe the crap they spew. As much as I would prefer simply to mock these idiots, I recognize that there is a dangerous edge to them, as fanatics tend to sacrifice their values ostensibly in the service of those values. The hostage-takers, for example, espoused freedom, faith, and morality but engaged in theft, torture, kidnapping, and other crimes. They thought their behavior was entirely justified, even though it violated the tenets of Islam, as some of their hostages often reminded them. The same potential exists among some of our crazier Mormon-rightwing fanatics. I have no doubt that, in the service of liberty, they would be happy to deprive their enemies (liberals, feminists, gays, immigrants, and so on) of their liberty. For instance, we’ve seen efforts over the years not only to deny gay couples the right to work benefits but also the right to work in the military and in public service. In the effort to “protect the unborn,” these folks would force women to go through pregnancy but without the resources to care for their children; they have used humiliation, intimidation, and plain hatred in their quest to celebrate the dignity of human life.

But these people are just like the hostage-takers: they believe fervently in a reality created by talk radio and extremist Mormon rhetoric, and they reject any facts or information that conflicts with that reality. Unlike them, I am happy to let them vent their nonsense. As the recent election showed, their vision of America is not appealing to most Americans, even Republican voters. What worries me is that too many right-wingers are responding not by thinking about what changes they need to make to become politically relevant again but by talking about civil war and secession. One of my coworkers said he thinks the only solution is revolution: “I’m ready.” A more extreme example is the Mormon woman in Arizona who ran over her husband with her SUV because he hadn’t voted, thus dooming the world to four more years of Obama.

I know, most conservatives do not have such warped thought processes (I am a conservative Republican, by the way), but there are too many crazy people out there.