Surprises in Romney’s Acceptance Speech

Thanks to my insider status, I’ve been given an advance copy of Romney’s acceptance speech, and it contains some interesting stuff;

10. Romney’s speech will be preceded by a youth speaker and a “rest hymn.”
9. First lines: “I’ve been asked to speak tonight about presidents. The dictionary defines the word “president” as …
8. In a Romney administration, “hearts will be gladdened, spirits will be lifted, and taxes will be lowered.”
7. Romney reminisces about telling Boyd K. Packer about that time he punched his companion.
6. A reference to Joe Biden as “Master Mahan” has been edited out in the final version.
5. To help Romney feel more comfortable at the podium, 15 decrepit old men will be seated (and sleeping) in large, red wingback chairs on the stage behind him.
4. Part of the speech was written by Bill Hamblin, who contributed the witty acrostic, “Obama is a wanker.”
3. The nomination will not be official until the delegates “indicate by the usual sign.”
2. No mention will be made of specific budget and tax proposals, as these items were outlined on a missing section of the speech that may have been up to 41 feet long, according to Dr. John Gee.
1. The speech will be given by an animatronic robot while Romney stays at home to watch the BYU football game. No one will notice.